Cautiously Optimistic

Cautiously Optimistic

Never thought I’d say the words “cautiously optimistic” in relationship to my feelings.  Two and a half weeks ago I had a major breakthrough in my recovery and have only good days since then.  Unfortunately I am holding on, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I need to know that I can use the coping skills I learned over the past month in my real life.

Another thing I never could have imagined saying posting in a public forum, saying out loud or even thinking, is the fact that I am a proud “graduate” psychiatric patient of a day hospital/treatment center.  One month ago today I hit MY rock bottom and landed in an inpatient facility.  I believe today that it was what I needed to shock me into taking my disease and recovery as seriously as any college course I ever took.  I tackled each homework assignment, lecture and group therapy session as if my life depended on it… and in a way I think it really did.  I was alive before I started this program, but wouldn’t say I was living.  Going through the motions, filling up every possible moment so I wouldn’t have to spend time with me - was not a fabulous way to spend three decades.  

The big question for me is now what? I completed my discharge/aftercare planning and turned it into my case manager - all 3 typed pages.  Now I have to wait and see… when something triggers my anxiety and depression will I remember the strategies and coping skills?  Will I stumble? - I am sure… will I have rough days? - I know I will.  Only time and experience and practice will let me know if I am not only a good student, but if I can apply my learning.  

In going back and reading through my aftercare planning - I re-read the following question and answer… and I am going to try my hardest to commit them to memory.  Maybe even put them in my wallet:

What is the most important lesson you learned during treatment?

I am worth it to be healthy and happy and it is up to me to work to make myself successful in this endeavor.  I have depression, I have had some hard times in my life, but neither of those should be able to keep me from living a joyful, successful life.  It is my responsibility alone, and I have the control and power and ability to make it a reality.

It sounds good - but I know that it is going to take a lot of hard work on my part (and hopefully some (ok, let’s be honest - tons of) support from my friends and family)... and I know after the past month I am willing to do whatever it takes!  Going back to work on Monday, but not stopping my steps to recovery.  Will attend a 12 step meeting Monday night and see Dr. K on Tuesday evening.  Planning to continue learning and growing and recovering.  Hopefully one day I won’t need to think about strategies/coping skills/recovery/depression/etc.  but until that day I will celebrate that I can now smile and play with my kids and know that I am not alone in this sometimes tumultuous journey!  Which feels good to finally know.