Obviously I am still (a little) in denial
OK, let me be the first to admit… I really thought when I started this blog it was because I was “on the other side” of my depressive episode and was going to be able to reach out to others to share my story and help the world. I truly believed that I was “all better” and that my four weeks of a program mixed with therapy and a 12 step program had me fixed. I was strong… I am woman hear me roar! Happy music blasted from the radio in my car - so maybe my family is getting sick of Bruno Mars’ “You Can Count On Me” and Kasey Musgraves’ “Follow Your Arrow” - the improvement was worth it!
A few days ago I wrote about several of my friends leaving my school at the end of the school year. Well today the end of the school year arrived and a few of my friends worked their last day. I talked to Dr. K last night and shared the feeling that I am getting sad, and very scared about falling back down. We talked at length and she assured me that being sad about the loss of co-workers that I love is normal and I can be upset. But coming so soon after my depression it would be difficult and I would need to work hard to keep myself from slipping. I spent last night and this morning preparing myself and really putting the effort into keeping my shit together.
And it worked… at least for most of the day. The kids came and left at noon… I said goodbye to many of them and then gathered with friends and colleagues for a get-together in the cafeteria to celebrate milestones of people who have worked in the building for 5,10,15 etc. years. This year was the first one for me! In many ways I can’t believe I have been at this school for 5 years and how my life has changed in the course of that time! The tech staff created a video for each person to be recognized and mine was incredibly special to me. It started me tearing up for happy reasons - the first time I’ve cried in several weeks, but I pushed back the tears and kept it together. Then we said goodbye to four people ending their term at our school, I started to get sad, but again I shoved those feelings down. With one more hour left in the work day, most of us headed back to our classrooms to begin (or continue) packing/cleaning. Upon entering my room I quickly turned on the lights and queued up the music. I thought I’d be able to stave off the melancholy feelings that were coming fast. As you probably predicted by now - I was totally wrong. Tears streamed down my face. It took me several minutes to catch my breath. I felt completely ridiculous and immediately got mad at myself.
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| Proof: my message on my new chalkboard wall |
And it worked… at least for most of the day. The kids came and left at noon… I said goodbye to many of them and then gathered with friends and colleagues for a get-together in the cafeteria to celebrate milestones of people who have worked in the building for 5,10,15 etc. years. This year was the first one for me! In many ways I can’t believe I have been at this school for 5 years and how my life has changed in the course of that time! The tech staff created a video for each person to be recognized and mine was incredibly special to me. It started me tearing up for happy reasons - the first time I’ve cried in several weeks, but I pushed back the tears and kept it together. Then we said goodbye to four people ending their term at our school, I started to get sad, but again I shoved those feelings down. With one more hour left in the work day, most of us headed back to our classrooms to begin (or continue) packing/cleaning. Upon entering my room I quickly turned on the lights and queued up the music. I thought I’d be able to stave off the melancholy feelings that were coming fast. As you probably predicted by now - I was totally wrong. Tears streamed down my face. It took me several minutes to catch my breath. I felt completely ridiculous and immediately got mad at myself.
But then I did a few things differently than in the past. I went upstairs to give one of my friends a hug and say goodbye in person. Next stop was in a different friend’s office to get a little perspective and support. On her suggestion I left school early and sent a text to Dr. K who had specifically told me yesterday that she was there if I needed her. I decided that she wouldn’t have said it if she didn’t mean it - and a few minutes later I received a phone call. With tears pouring down my face I listened to her rationally explain that I am still recovering; That it is okay to cry when I am sad, but when I am ready to stop grieving my loss I might have to implement some skills I have learned to change my thought process. First thing I needed to do was make sure that I chose to dwell on a happy part of my day, the beautiful tribute, rather than let myself be pulled down by the negative portion. A few deep breaths and some reasoned out thoughts that I need to cut myself some slack and I was able to make it dry eyed into Costco and Marshalls. I did my returns and didn’t even stop for samples or shopping therapy. I have always known deep down how hard I am on others, and especially myself, but I don’t think I realized how this can impact me negatively… but I think I shed some new light on that concept today. I’m not sure what made me think that I have some sort of superpowers and would be able to fully recover and be as strong and stoic as I want to be so quickly. I think I have to learn to somehow embody author Elizabeth Gilbert’s advice: “Embrace the glorious mess that you are.” Starting today!
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