Is there actually light at the end of the tunnel?

Upon being released from my amazing stay in Cottage C (http://yetanotherhotmess.blogspot.com/2015/05/rock-bottom.html), I had to have a discharge plan, which Dr. N and I agreed would be a short time in an outpatient program from 9-3 five days a week.

I showed up to the Day Hospital to sign in the following day with a feeling of excitement and a huge amount of apprehension.  I knew that these were more my people and this felt like my last chance to do therapy right!  Looking back, I truly believe that my stay in Cottage C was instrumental to getting me on my path to recovery.  It shocked my system and made me realize just how important and serious my recovery and healing had to be treated.  I received a folder of information with a schedule stapled to the front telling me when and where I had to be, hour by hour.  I was overwhelmed.  The first class I sat through was about coping skills and the instructor seemed to be talking my language.  In just an hour, looking around the room at my peers and listening to the instructor, I felt like I was home.  I had never been in a group of people who had similar issues.  The lecture made me realize that I had never learned many successful strategies for handling the situations and struggles that have come up in my life; even better I wasn’t the only one.  I have always felt weird, strange, different - but not in a good way.  Understanding the workings of my mind and my strong emotions has always been an elusive concept for me.  Have I said yet… I realized I was not alone?!?!?!?!? I was excited… and terrified. Group Therapy was next on my agenda.

Never, ever, ever did I think I would attend a group therapy session and disclose the secret, dark places in my past and in my mind to a group of strangers.  I was in shock that I was sitting there. As always (a problem I now know I have of thinking only in black or white), I looked around the room and thought that other people’s problems were worse or more important than mine.  I had to share my name and how I was feeling; the emotion I chose at that moment was “euphoric”.  It seems to be in contrast to what my feelings of group therapy were, but keep in mind less than 24 hours before I was still in Cottage C. The rest of that hour I sat quietly listening to people share their feelings and stories.  I thought I’d never be able to open up… I met with my case manager and cried and despaired at the hopelessness I felt.  

Favorite quote from my case manager... she used it a lot!
(Taken from Minion Quotes Facebook Page)

This was less than four weeks ago.  It took me a few days to get comfortable, but then I came out of my shell. Learning through lectures about self esteem, wellness, stress management, coping skills and more combined with the bonding with my group and case manager gave me the confidence to start talking… and I haven’t shut up since.  I have tackled every assignment with passion and vigor, typing more in the past 4 weeks than in any other time in my life - except for possibly when I wrote my master’s thesis.  I have dug into the deep recesses of my mind to figure out who I am, how I have been shaped and how I want to develop into a fuller, happier person and heal from my depression.  I think I am on my way! My family has already seen a difference, and I haven’t shed tears in over 2 weeks.  I am not “fixed” but I am ready to reenter my daily life.  I will go back to work next Monday and see my original therapist (Dr. K) hopefully twice next week to help with my transition.  Continuing my 12-step meetings are a definite part of the plan as well. I have learned a lot about myself and I want to continue learning more as I continue on this journey.  Not sure if my life will continue to be interesting enough to blog about… and honestly I wouldn’t be too upset if I start sailing a calmer ocean… at least for a little while.

That being said, I have a feeling this is not the last you’ve heard from me!

A bracelet from my family... never realize how important this is!
Wearing it lots!
Love the Etsy Shop Sailor Studio