1 funeral, 1 anniversary and 3 cases of lice...

I started taking the meds and trying everything Dr. K suggested.  We talked and talked and I talked and cried and things were starting to move in what we were hoping was the right direction.  Dr. K felt that we couldn’t really dig deep into everything that was going on until the meds kicked in.  My grandfather was declining quickly and we weren’t sure how that sadness was also affecting the depression. I was juggling teaching, photographing b'nai mitzvot, parenting, running carpools around atlanta, pretending to cook, and taking meds and doing therapy.  I was having good days, followed by bad days.  I kept describing the feeling as being on a roller coaster that I only wanted to get off.  I also proclaimed day after day that “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”  I lost my grandfather the day before winter break; my first real loss in my life.  I tried to keep the best face and think how lucky I was to have him until he was 93, and the fact that my children had such a wonderful relationship with their great-grandfather.  I was still having trouble in crowds and I had four amazing friends show up at the funeral to comfort me and hold me up in addition to Dan.  Some more friends came to shiva and the support I had was incredible.  I found everything overwhelming and exhausting.

The following week Dan and I were supposed to celebrate our 14th anniversary.  He had been so strong and supportive with everything going on in our lives, that I wanted to make it a nice night and I was hoping that I would be on an upswing.  My parents offered to keep the girls for one night so we went on a staycation to Buckhead.  I talked it over with Dr. K who helped me get in the right mindset to plan out a wonderful night.  Never did I think I would be at a point in my life where a therapist would have to talk me through having a great night out with my husband.  But it worked!  We had a wonderful afternoon and evening, went to dinner and had a great night (not sharing everything that’s been going on the past 8 months).  We continued with a great breakfast before getting the kids.  Dan and I were excited that I seemed to be returning to myself.  As you know by now - the roller coaster was playing tricks on me.  I barely held it together that night (New Year’s Eve) as Dan, the girls and I had a sleepover at my Grandmother’s apartment.  No one slept well, we went home exhausted and I could feel myself slipping down.  As I told Dan, it’s as if I am watching myself slide down into a dark hole… I am trying to grip the sides, but my fingers just slip and i land back at the bottom.  School started back and I felt like I was at a stand still.  Friends who knew me were starting to worry.  I was anxious that this was the new me and I would never get better.  That didn’t help at all.  It was a vicious cycle.

And then there was lice…

If having depression wasn’t bad enough, we added lice into the mix in January.  I happened to notice a bug in 7 year old’s hair and I almost started to panic.  Then I mentioned that the thought of lice made my head itch.  So a friend offered to check my head… and then I did panic.  7, 10 and I raced out of the school building, tears were streaming down my face.  I was definitely not calm.  I called my sister-in-law who suggested we visit the HeadHunters and not try to take care of it myself (my first thought).  I listened to her, called them in a panic and raced 20 minutes away to have all three of us treated for lice.   Sitting in the chair, watching High School Musical 2 (7-year-old’s choice), and having a stranger pick at my head for an hour definitely didn’t help my mood.  

By this time, Dan and I had talked to the girls about what was going on with me.  We kept it pretty simple and just described it as a disease that can make you sad and make you cry.  The girls were amazing, every day they hugged me and checked in on my feelings.  I tried to be honest, but not appear depressed all the time.  I think “OK” was used forty consecutive days until I one day said that I had a great day.  10-year-old asked a poignant question “mommy, was it really a great day? or was it just an ok day that felt great to you since you haven’t had many good ones recently?”  I had to think long and hard and I realized she was right.  Her response “I can’t wait until you have a really great day!”  I couldn’t believe the insight and understanding.

7-year-old and I had to go back for a lice recheck… as we are driving to HeadHunters, a rock hits and cracks my windshield.  I walked in and promptly told the man checking my hair that if he found anything I would lay down on the floor and cry.  My 7-year-old chimed in “and she will.”  Lucky for all of us, that was the end of our lice experience (Dan had the windshield replaced for me 2 days later, for those of you keeping score).