Coming out - from under the proverbial covers
Hi. I’m Devi and I am feeling proud. I did it! As you must know if you are reading this. I have publicly and openly shared my disease(s) with the world. Although I write mainly about my journey to heal from depression, I also suffer from anxiety and keeping this in hiding was driving me crazy.
I was in a constant state of worry; Who did i tell? Why did I tell them? Was I right or wrong to tell them? Does so-and-so know? Is it awkward to tell people or does it help to explain my behaviors and emotions recently? Do they think I want attention? Am I right or wrong to tell/not tell this person? How will they react? Will it change the way that they think of me? The questions came at me day and night… and for anyone that knows me I overthink typical, everyday things - so imagine how fast my mind was racing with what I perceived to be such a big decision like sharing this part of myself with others.
And then I started my program and group therapy… and I realized how many people suffer from the same or similar illnesses. There is a truth in the saying that there is comfort in numbers; and sadly that “misery loves company.” But even better than that is the fact that it is amazing to see people who have been where you are, but are busy finding their way out. It was inspiring, and more helpful to me than any therapist, drug, website, book, article, etc. Sorry to Dr. K who is probably reading this; but here is my public admission that you were right about group therapy!!!!
My favorite part of my four weeks in the outpatient program was the moment when I was no longer in my deepest, darkest place, and I could share my experiences in getting out and give others hope. Once a teacher, always a teacher. I want more positive to come out of my journey than just for me to be a happier, healthier person. I want to reach out to others and try to offer the opportunity for sufferers, or families of sufferers to get a glimpse into the (scary) mind of a person with a mental illness. And to hopefully be able to begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel for themselves.
Too often case studies in books, or even characters in movies that are suffering from these diseases, or similar ones, are the ones that present with the most severe symptoms/traits. Usually you see people with depression not being able to get out of bed, losing their families, losing their jobs, flunking out of school, turning to drugs and alcohol and/or attempting/committing suicide. I didn’t do any of these. Many people with depression don’t. A lot of us look like happy, go-lucky, successful in life people. But a war is waging in our heads. My hope is that maybe my story can shorten some people’s battles - 29 years is a long time to wait to seek help!
And today I can report that I feel much freer! A weight has been lifted - I will continue on my journey, but I will no longer have anxiety over my disease (I can at least cross that one off my list)! Thanks for listening (or in this case reading).
If you feel like you may be able to help others by sharing this... PLEASE DO!
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