And I’m Crashing... Keeping it Real

I knew that this might (probably) would be coming… and now it’s arrived. That’s the fun of mental illness. I have had a few very upbeat weeks so it would make sense (to me) that I eventually I would bottom out (thankfully not rock bottom). Yesterday I felt my mood starting to falter and by the time I woke up this morning I wanted nothing more than to isolate and cry.  And I didn’t allow myself to stay home and wallow.

After dropping my kids at school I went to my weekly class. I didn’t really participate, but I went. And for today that was all I could do. I then came home and binge watched Netflix - and did some loads of laundry so I could at least feel slightly productive. I then dragged myself to keep my therapy appointment. The discussion I had with my therapist was about acceptance. Something I have said in the past I really struggle with. And my struggle continues…

I can’t expect others to understand my depression when I can’t really get a handle on it myself. It won’t go away. It won’t give me a schedule to follow. A lot of the time it won’t make sense. And I have to live with it. Even when I don’t want to. It lies to me. It makes me feel like crap. It makes me question everything and everyone. And it holds me hostage. And I continue to fight knowing that even when I break free for a little while it will chase me down and kidnap me again. No wonder I spend a lot of time looking over my shoulder for it.

I am working to accept that my mental illness is a combination lock that I will never get to open - at least not permanently. I have been spending a lot of energy the past several years trying to figure out the right numbers and turns… with the thought that I’d eventually get it open and be free. Now I see that sometimes it opens for short periods of time, but then the lock gets secured again, but the combination has been changed.

In my mind I am standing again at my high school locker trying to access everything inside… to no avail - even with assistance from those around me. It’s frustrating, maddening, and my tears are starting to fall; however, hopefully I will use my skills to pry it open - even if for only a short period of time. And that I have to learn to accept may be how my life goes… and as long as I believe that I can eventually open the lock again - I will hold on and keep twisting and turning and guessing at solving the combination.

Don’t know if this post makes sense - to me - or anybody else - it’s a lot like depression and here it is anyways.