Apropos on Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday

Martin Luther King, Jr. once said “You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”  And this weekend that is just what I did.  The following is an account of the many small steps I took in my recovery.  Although to the average person the descriptions may seem like a part of normal, everyday life (maybe with a few exceptions) for me they were feats of pretty big proportion.

My family left town for the three day weekend and I was left to fend for myself.  Or more accurately I was inundated with offers for people to spend time with me so I would not isolate and withdraw.  I also mentally drew up a list of all the things that needed organizing and cleaning in our house (which is basically still everything). And I knew that I had to find the right balance.  And here’s how I did it.

Saturday morning I cleaned out and scrubbed the refrigerator and freezer.  

I rewarded myself by going and having coffee with my friend and her adorable one-year-old.  We enjoyed spending time in the sunshine.  I headed for home and decided that I would delve into some self-care time, which consisted of teaching myself to needle-felt sculptural animals.  I sat on the couch, and put on the movie Grease 2 (guilty pleasure) and started stabbing at wool with a tiny little needle.  And it turned out to be both relaxing and fun.  I used (in the past I would have used the terms “lost” or “wasted”) several hours enjoying myself making some small sculptures, including one for each of my girls.  

After spending the afternoon felting and washing and folding two loads of laundry, my brother picked me up and we went out for dinner.  He then dropped me off and I (with all my many anxieties) decided to spend the night alone in my home.  This is not my norm.  But I knew that I could handle it and that I am in a place now where my friends and family didn’t have to worry about me as much as they have in recent history.  

When I woke up Sunday morning I was happy to have the house to myself. I exercised, made a pot of coffee and read until it was time to go to a family brunch.  It was extremely luxurious and indulgent and I enjoyed every minute of it.  My mom picked me up, I went to the brunch and fully engaged with those around me and it felt good.  After brunch, my mom and I went shopping for the afternoon.  Spending time with her was really nice.  After I was tired out, she dropped me off at home.  I had a few hours before a friend was coming over to have dinner and I decided to rest on the couch and tackle another felting project.  It was fun being creative in a three-dimensional manner, it’s been a while.  

I also painted the rock that I am giving to the Humanitarian Award Recipient this Wednesday (see last post if you don’t know what I am talking about).   

My friend arrived and we went out for a delicious sushi dinner and visited for the evening.  Although she offered to stay and sleep at my house, I actually declined her offer and decided to brave a second night alone hoping to reap the rewards of another quiet morning without the need to talk or interact with others.  When she left I took a hot bubble bath with a good book and then headed to bed.  

This morning, on my last day of freedom (don’t tell my family I said that), I started by exercising and then putting up yet another load of laundry.  I watched CBS Sunday Morning (recorded, so I watched it a day late) and luxuriated with a few cups of coffee.  I straightened up a little in the kitchen and then read until it was time to go out for lunch on a date with my dad.  He took me for an amazing meal and then dropped me back off at home.  I decided to try and do a little more in the kitchen before my family came home.  And I was somewhat successful.  I made my kids’ lunches for school tomorrow and decided to use the overripe bananas sitting in our fruit bowl to make a banana bread.  For those of you who know, I love to bake and my critics have decided that I am extremely good at it.  But today, maybe not.  I pulled out the recipe and gathered all my ingredients, But I didn’t read carefully.  I added the sugar in with the flour when I wasn’t supposed to.  When I realized my mistake I looked into the bowl of flour, salt, sugar and baking soda (all white small particle ingredients) and took a deep breath.  I didn’t have any more of my ingredients to start over, and I knew that there was no way I could separate the existing ones, so I decided to proceed.  The perfectionist in me was disappointed and very skeptical of the final product; the curious side of me was interested in seeing what would happen if I continued on and that is exactly what I did.  As I type this I am enjoying my last few hours alone and I am also smelling the bread in the oven.  No matter if the banana bread comes out wonderfully or horribly, I will be ok.  It’s taste will only determine if I have to come up with a breakfast alternative for the girls tomorrow morning.  And I am fine with that.  

In reflecting on this weekend I am happy to report that I did strike a fabulous balance and had a successful, productive and enjoyable three days.  I am headed to the bath one more time and then I will anxiously wait until I hear the garage door open… I’ll admit it - I miss them all and plan on doing a lot of hugging and kissing and snuggling!!!  

“What matters is not how long you live… but how you live.”  Another Martin Luther King, Jr. quote and one that I am aiming to embody.  I think I am on my way.