No Longer A Complacent Jew

Since I am already exposing my struggles with mental illness, I might as well continue sharing.  Though I may one day regret this new openness, I am learning with each post I make that at least some people can relate to them.  I think that might be the case with this as well.

In the course of my treatment I’ve attended a course entitled Experiencing Spirituality on a weekly basis.  Before beginning this treatment I had never really stopped to think about my feelings about my spirituality or lack thereof.  Let me explain.

I was born into a jewish family.  We were much more culturally involved than observant (or what I would have called religious).  I attended jewish summer camps, served on the board of my synagogue youth group, became a bat mitzvah and was also confirmed.  Starting at the age of 16 I taught both Sunday school and middle and high school evening programs on and off for 22 years.  I have never questioned my involvement in jewish activities.  When looking at possible partners to spend my life with, I always had the belief that I wouldn’t go in search of a guy that wasn’t jewish, but if true love found me I would probably be open to intermarriage.  My parents were thrilled when I met the love of my life (yes, it’s Dan) and he came from a similar background.  We had a beautiful wedding, standing under the chuppah, with one of my favorite rabbis (i actually have 3) officiating and we began a jewish life together.  We belonged to synagogue as a young married couple without children (that is not always the case for many assimilated jews in America) and when our girls were born we were thrilled to have their namings performed by the same rabbi who married us.  After he retired, when we felt we were not in the right religious environment we went in search of a new spiritual home.  This led us to a short stop at a second place of worship and then brought us to a place that our entire family considers as a warm and welcoming place of worship.  Our connection and comfort was immediate.  We have a date for our older daughter’s bat mitzvah.  I teach at a jewish day school and my daughters are thriving at the same school.  I have been to Israel twice and found a strong sense of belonging and meaning there.  I followed a prescription for jewish living that I was born into.  I feel today that I did not consciously choose Judaism; it chose me.  And now I want to find all the reasons I am committing to it and how I can interact with my religious and spiritual journey.

My cynicism (thanks, Dad) has always left me with more questions about religious practices than answers.  Although I am a rule follower, I am not so good at following those that I don’t believe in.  My values lead me.  Recently, when attending Shabbat services, I have stopped following along in our prayer book.  I find myself reading the English prayers and readings, admitting to myself that the Hebrew words I know by rote, but I don’t know the content and meaning behind most of the words.  I love the melodies and the atmosphere of Friday night services and the community feeling.  

But something is missing; I am coming to a crossroads.  I want to path of both religion and spirituality that works for me.  As long as I am working on myself in so many other ways, I figured why not work on one more? And right now I am not sure what that looks like.  So I made an appointment to meet with the pastoral counselor at my treatment program.  Knowing that I have an opportunity to talk through my concerns and questions and admit that I am floundering in a safe space allowed me to begin my quest.  Until this point this struggle has laid dormant in me for years and years.  Whenever it came up I would push it back down and go through the motions that I thought were the correct ones.

I have now had two meetings with the pastoral counselor and I have to say they are mind boggling.  It has been a wonderful start to what I hope to be my new beginning in connecting and identifying with my religious practices.  I have already visited the library to take out books that I find inspiring and intriguing, and for the first time I am formulating questions I have and starting to sort through my thoughts to figure out what I my jewish life to look like.  I actually googled “613 mitzvot” (these are the commandments in the Torah, many of which cannot be observed today); until now I had never thought to read or research them.  I am making a list of those I already observe and the ones I would like to, and then I am planning to share them with Dan and the girls.  I want to open the conversation on why and how we are choosing judaism.  This piece of my puzzle is one that I know will not be in place when I return to my “real life,” and I am thrilled to think of the journey it will lead me to create.  As daunting and intimidating as I find this search, it is one that means a lot to me.

In recent days, I have come to realize that my depression and anxiety may have been a blessing.  Without hitting rock bottom, there are many areas of my life I probably would have never addressed and possibly never questions.  The “shoulds” and going through the motions of what I thought was expected of me were leading my life.  I’d like to think that now I am going to begin make choices with purpose and reflection of my beliefs and values.