And the award goes to…

Me!  It’s awards season and I have been watching (or in the interest of continuing with my full disclosure - had as noise in the background while multi-tasking) the Golden Globes, People’s Choice and other Awards shows.  But nothing prepared me for the idea that I would have to make an acceptance speech.  But it happened.  And I didn’t.  And I didn’t even think about writing about this experience until suggested by friend and fellow client, M.  And as a recovering people-pleaser (and since I haven’t posted in several days) I acquiesced and here we are.

And yes, I am not making this up.  I have a painted rock and a paper award to display that proclaim me the “Humanitarian of the Week” for the program in which I am enrolled.  Me being me, I am still a little skeptical about how I “won” this award.  My conspiracy theory is that it is similar to the holiday party I suffered through in December, and that the award is given to someone with social anxiety who is terrified of getting up in front of people and even more terrified of being singled out and having to talk in front of people.  I have had several staff at the program assure me that this was well-deserved and not a ploy to assist in my recovery.  At least not in that way.

So when another client stood up and said that he wanted to give this week’s award to someone who carries themselves well at all times I did not think he was headed my way.  He narrowed it down when he mentioned that this person is also a wonderful mother.  And then when he called my name I was both thrilled and terrified.  I walked to the front of the cafeteria while staring at my shoes.  He handed me a rock (yes, I know I sound like Charlie Brown “I got a rock.”) which I believe he painted and will be a reminder for me of this moment (an actual good reminder - keep reading).

My Rock!

I hugged him and said thank you and then thought I was being saved by a staff member who came up to talk.  Until he opened his mouth and told us both to stay up there.  And then he asked who in the room had been influenced by me and I was shocked by the number of hands that went up.  It was probably the only time I let my eyes sweep across the crowded, standing room only, cafeteria.  At that moment it dawned on me that maybe I actually have made an impact on some people.  

What happened next was wonderful for me.  Six people spoke and told me the impact that I have had on them.  Taking it all in, in front of everyone, was incredibly overwhelming, embarrassing, surprising, appreciated and just what I needed this week.  And then it was my turn to speak.

And here’s how my acceptance speech went: “Thank you. I don’t do public speaking.”  And that was that.  Had I had time to prepare (and a sheet of paper with it all written out and fewer than 5 people in the room) I would have thanked all the people that got me to this point and the program.  I would have spoken so much that the music would have come on to drown me out and go to a commercial break.  I have so much to say, but unless I write it out I find that I often struggle to communicate (I know those close to me will dispute this statement, but that’s my perspective).  

For now, I am pretty confident I won’t have to accept any more awards, though I will have to sooner rather than later conquer graduation from my program.  I think I will challenge myself to prepare something and maybe even say it at the front of the same room with many of the same people sitting there.  But you can bet on it that I will have something prepared.

For now, I want to just take a moment to be grateful for all the things I heard about myself and try to sit with them and let them sink in.  I will let go of the thought that I was not deserving and then I am going to be in the moment and decide in what place of honor I am going to keep my rock (since it is too big to carry in my pocket as a reminder)!  

And it just occurred to me that next week I will be standing in front of everyone presenting this award (and a different rock) to another client.  AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… I am going to go look at my coping skills and figure out how to assuage my anxiety until then!  Good night!