In memory of Dr Robin Kirby

I am heartbroken. I received a text late tonight from Dr. Robin Kirby's husband to let me know that Dr. Kirby was in a car accident and would not be able to keep any future appointments. After responding by sending thoughts and prayers to her, I received a second text informing me of when and where graveside services will be held.  My heart broke for this man who is grieving for his wife who he lost yesterday and at the same time reaching out to let all of her patients know about our collective loss.  And a loss it is. A huge one, not only for her family, friends and colleagues, but for me personally and I'm sure many of her other patients feel the same.

Dr. Kirby embodied many values that I aspire to, including compassion, kindness, patience, perseverance, loving, strength, and I could go on and on.

I know that she would have been proud of me and my progress.  I owe a large portion of my recovery to her and the work we did together.  If you recall some of my earlier blog posts you may remember that at the beginning it was definitely therapy by trial and error.  After all, Dr Kirby was the one who suggested laughing yoga and dabbled with me in some precursors to hypnosis.  But once we established what worked for me (obviously neither of the above), we headed on the path to recovery.  There were many bumps and if she were still alive she might admit she was sick of me saying "this is too hard," "this sucks," " I feel like I am on a hamster wheel (or roller coaster)," and"I'm never going to get better."  When I would say these things (repeatedly, week after week), Dr. Kirby would look me in the eyes and reassure me and encourage me that I could and would get through this struggle.  I argued this point with her over and over and will always regret not having the chance to tell her that she may have actually been right.

Dr. Kirby introduced me to many of the books that have come to influence the new person I am slowly becoming (for those of you who have heard me talking on and on about The Four Agreements, that was a Dr Kirby recommendation).  She suggested (pretty strongly) that I find a CoDA meeting to attend for additional support and group therapy.  She sent me for DBT skills.  

Dr. Kirby was the staunchest supporter of me enrolling in the program I am currently in. She worked tirelessly each time I saw her, and expected me to do the same.  She challenged me and called me out whenever she thought it was needed or would help.

Despite being a mother, grandmother, wife, friend and involved in a multitude of professional organizations and diverse practices (which I only really know about from seeing her bio on her website), Dr Kirby made the time to care -really care- whenever and wherever she was.  I received phone calls and emails from places like Seattle and Chicago when she knew that I was having a rough time.  

Even when I took a hiatus from seeing her (my experimental phase with psychoanalysis) when I turned to her for advice and she not only answered, but followed up a few days later to check in on me, asking if it was ok if she kept up with my progress and wishing me well. She always found a way to provide the support I needed.  Once she sent me a text that only said "breathe;" I can no longer remember the reason she needed to send it to me, but I will always remember needing it at that moment and following her direction.

Over the past 15 months I spent a lot of time crying sitting on the couch across from her in her comfy chair.  Each time I tried to get myself to stop, she would encourage me to let the tears fall freely and cry everything out.  Tonight she would be proud of me because that is exactly what I am doing - in her memory.

Dr. Kirby, you were a true mensch, amazing human being and will be greatly missed.

*Updated 1/23 to honor Dr. Robin Kirby (formerly known in my posts as Dr. K).  I want the world (or the small number of people who read this blog) to know who it was that made such a difference in my life.