Worrying is such a big and pointless part of my life

I’ve always done it.  I’ve never thought so much about it as I have over the past few weeks.  Now worrying is different than anxiety, but it feeds the anxiety nicely.  I know that I am in the right place, with right support (both staff and friends and family), and am on the right track; that doesn’t stop me from all the worries that come to mind a large portion of each day.  

If you could get inside of my mind (I don’t recommend it as it is probably much scarier than Netherworld - a reference used only because my daughter saw a billboard for it today and it was a great car discussion) you would probably run, but maybe in a few weeks or months it will be slightly less terrifying.  I am already noticing and working on breaking that habit.  As you probably know, worrying does nothing but drive you batshit crazy.  I can ruminate on the same problem for hours and days on end with very little time off for good behavior.  I’ve been consciously paying attention to my worrying recently and I am not proud to say that I would put myself up there with the best of Jewish (or other) mothers… and it’s not a compliment.

On Thursday, after 3 straight days of worrying, I found a resignation inside myself to just calm down and not allow some things to eat at me.  I felt numb.  Today I have realized that, at least for the moment, I am at peace with many of my current situations.  There is nothing I could do about them this weekend, so I just engaged in the moment and enjoyed myself. We spent time with family visiting and played several rounds of Apples to Apples (and had some of the best laughter I’ve had in a long time).  We just lit the candles and celebrated the first night of Chanukah.  

I am starting to prepare to go back to my program tomorrow morning, and I will be having a hard session at 11… but I am going to try my best not to let it ruin tonight.  So far it hasn’t and I am actually excited about this fact.  So I plan to read with my younger daughter, tuck both girls in and then snuggle on the couch with Dan.  Tomorrow’s appointment will be there either way, so I might as well enjoy tonight.  This could be one of the best lessons I have learned - even if it has taken me a long time to learn it and I am sure I will need refreshers!   

Disclaimer: It may not have hurt that my current psychiatrist, Dr. M, put me on an anti-anxiety drug starting last Wednesday, but who knows.  I’ll take less obsessing and worrying wherever and whenever I can get it.