Holiday Party or Exposure Therapy?

It all depends on your point of view.  I am thoroughly hoping that the treatment center I attend did not intentionally trigger me with our two hour holiday party on a dreary Monday.   Let me explain…

This morning the 11a.m. class I attended was on Anxiety Management.  In this group, we read and discussed stories of people that have suffered from and learned to manage their anxiety using different coping skills.  The first story shared was about a person who suffered from social anxiety since he/she was a small child.  I could relate perfectly to the fears and anxieties that our group member shared, including getting up in front of people and being singled out.  The fear of looking silly or stupid came up and I nodded my head vigorously.

Imagine my surprise when two hours later we were all asked to attend the center holiday party with games and karaoke.  The chairs were set up in an oval with a few tables and props in the center.  We sat with our assigned core group according to color (totally insignificant fact, my group was brown).  The first game asked for two members of each team, one team at a time, to come up to the middle of the entire group and with one minute sort out boxes from heaviest to lightest - they were wrapped and filled with bells.  In hindsight, I should have volunteered for that game; but already my anxiety was pretty high and I encouraged two others in my group to go instead.  Turns out that was probably the only one I could have beared to participate in.  

Next game, which two staff members and several group members tried to convince me to partake in, consisted of trying to get a slinky attached to a headband to balance for 3 seconds on your head.  Again all the focus would be on one team at a time.  It was fun and silly to watch as people looked crazy and like they were having a good time swinging their bodies around and making attempts to be successful.  Not one of the 7 teams accomplished this task, but the energy was wonderful to watch and experience as each contestant was cheered on and encouraged; the envy I felt for not having the “balls” to get up there was starting to bother me.  Everyone appeared to be having a good time.  I was ruminating on my lack of courage and willfulness to not try something new.

The next two games again involved sets of team members competing in games involving candy canes and marshmallows.  I couldn’t get myself to participate and I began to think all sorts of negative thoughts about myself and about what others must think of me refusing to be a part of the party.  I went to the bathroom to try and gather my thoughts (and empty my bladder).  I took a few deep breaths and decided I could just go back and sit in my chair.  I was wrong.  

I sat down and started to have a panic attack; my heart was racing, my palms were sweaty and I was getting very hot and jittery.  I got up and walked out to the gardens and attempted to do some of the mindfulness I have learned in recent weeks.  Unfortunately I was not very successful in this endeavor.  I kept turning my mind, trying to focus on the beautiful purple pansies, the sound of running water flowing into the pond, the tree trunks, I could go on and on.  But each time my thoughts returned to the fact that I felt like a party pooper.  Which got the ball rolling downhill… I won’t tell you here all the thoughts that built upon that first one.

But here is where I tell the “positive” part of my day.  I didn’t leave campus.  I stayed.  I didn’t curl up in a ball in my bed like I wanted to; I went to my last group of the day and checked in as being both anxious and discouraged.  Tears ran down my face yet I still participated in the discussion.

At the end of class, one of my friends asked if she could do anything to help, I just shook my head since I didn’t know what to say.  Then the intern who led the group asked if she could help.  And she gave me the opportunity to talk through all my thoughts and emotions concerning this experience.  She made me feel better by letting me know that I was not the only one who struggled with the party.  And I was able to understand that although I still have a long, long way to go, I am at least continuing on the path.  

Until today I have described my emotions and experience to many as a roller coaster (and several dozen other metaphors), but today I think I have changed my mind and have decided it is much more like the children's game Chutes and Ladders.  I never particularly cared for this game, because you rolled the die and you could potentially climb the ladder towards the winning square, or you could slide all the way back down towards the beginning of the entire game.  It was all chance and anxiety provoking for a competitive person like me.  I am hoping to not slide back to far, and am going to work hard to hedge my bets for getting more ladders.

Until then, if you are having a party with potentially embarrassing games or karaoke and were planning on inviting me, I hope you’ll understand if I stay home in my pajamas and read a book!  And as for my treatment center and staff, I hope you will understand if I become more assertive and skip out on any more parties you plan even if your hope was that I overcome some of my fears by facing them!