I have the best problem in the world…

I am surrounded by so many loving and supportive friends, colleagues and family members while I struggle with my depression and anxiety. But sometimes it creates a problem for me.  They all care so deeply and want what’s best for me.  I know you are probably wondering why I’d call this a problem… let me explain:

1. When something happens in my recovery, either a success or a setback, those who love and support me want an update.  A mass e-mail does not seem to be the right avenue for distributing this information.  My exhaustion and desire to isolate keep me from texting, calling, and or snail-mailing each person who wants to genuinely keep abreast of how I am doing.  So the information trickles out… to the people who happen to be contacting me at the right moment when I can take a few minutes to talk, share, discuss, gather valued opinions, etc. either with or without tears and a torrent of bad language.  Later I come to realize that sometimes people are inadvertently hurt because I have not shared with them.  Because they love me.  Because they care.  Because they are some of my nearest and dearest.  I have to say that I know that this hurt is unintentional, but sometimes it takes all my strength to not worry about how what I am doing/not doing, sharing/not sharing at any given moment affects those I love.  So to quote my case manager from April “Sorry not sorry.”  For the time being I will keep the status quo… since it works for me (although a mass e-mail is starting to become increasingly appealing)!

2. Everyone I have on my side has an opinion (or to be honest, between 50 and 200 opinions) about what professionals I should see, therapies I should try, foods and drinks to eat as well as ones to avoid, supplements to take, the list goes on.  And each one of them is well-meaning in their desire to help me.  But it would be literally impossible to do what each and every person suggests.  And while I appreciate the care and concern and I truly believe that your brother-in-law’s psychiatrist may be wonderful and that laughing yoga pulled your grandmother out of her depression and cutting white sugars cured you; I am overloaded with these and have to put on my blinders.  Mentioning these things to me just once are incredibly helpful, and if I want to follow up with you I promise I will.  I am secure in my methods and my professionals. I will admit that I did recently (earlier today) change psychiatrists from Dr.S (female) to Dr.S (male) at the suggestion of a close friend.  I contacted her when I felt that I should go for a second opinion.  And it happened to work out wonderfully.  So for now, unless you are my Dr.K or Dr.S, please feel free to let me know once about your favorite herbal supplement or yoga pose that helps you and then please, please, please - let it rest.

3. I either sound like a broken record or one that skips frequently when I am talking to one of my “loved ones.”  My mind is full of a lot of racing thoughts, kids schedules, lists of things that I need to do at home, menu ideas, random facts that I will never ever use, and much, much, more.  What it is not full of is the who did I tell what to in the course of the past year and a half. On any given day I share random facts/feelings about my recovery with the handful of people that might reach out to me.  Different days mean different people.  This leads to me either repeating the same story to someone multiple times or telling the next chapter to someone who hasn’t even started the book.  I think some of them might think I am even crazier than I truly am; luckily for me they are willing to stay beside me anyways.

Along with the aforementioned problems I have to admit that the hugs, comforting words, rallying of spirit when I have none, the handholding (both literally and figuratively), the random text or e-mail sharing pertinent information, the posting of relevant memes, the nod of understanding from others who have had similar experiences, the offers of support, the smiles, love and overall support are priceless.  And I couldn’t ask for anything better as I am continuing to struggle through this messy part of my life.  

So if you are one of the people who I consider as my champions and defenders… a heartfelt thank you for standing beside me.  I know it’s not easy, but it continues to mean the world to me.  I know I feel like I should be sending each one of you a handwritten card to express my sentiments, but since you know me - this will have to suffice!