What was I thinking?

I don’t know what I expected, but this was not it!

Day 1… and I have to keep remembering it was only Day 1. I feel like I’ve been run over by a Mack truck… but possibly in a good way?!?!?

This program is so individualized that I spent most of the day, from 9 am to 3 pm answering questions, filling out forms, talking to all sorts of professionals.  I met my personal counselor, my psychiatrist, the financial staff, part of the medical staff and can’t remember who else.  My dad came for the beginning and I thought I was hanging in there and could handle most of it on my own… so I sent him home.

The good news - every single person I talked to was nice and understanding, and sensitive to the tears streaming down my face.  To say it was a draining, emotional experience would be an understatement.  I had to go through my “history” several times and even though I can now recite most of it in my sleep it is still exhausting.  

I did have a lunch time.  And my worst fear was realized… I ate alone.  I am not the kind of person to happily sit at a table by myself or the kind of person to plop down at a table with a bunch of strangers and introduce myself.  One of my anxieties before today was would I make friends or acquaintances with my peers so I wouldn’t have to eat alone.  Unfortunately today I did not go to any groups or meet any people who are in the program.  So a kind medical technician walked me to the cafeteria and then left me there to fend for myself.  The food was good, but I had no appetite.  I sat and ate a few bites at a table alone, listening to a loud group of friends making jokes and playing around.  

I quickly escaped to the covered part of the courtyard (the weather was dismal) and spent the rest of my lunchtime working on my altered book which is my new alternative to sitting on my cell phone.  It is a great distraction and also a way to be in public but not necessarily having to interact with others.  

I know tomorrow will be a different day.  I will still have some special intake assessments with the nutritionist, recreational specialist and have to do my lab work, but I will eventually get to attend a few groups.  

Trying to imagine that on a sunny day, once I have settled in and met some people I will have a more positive attitude.  Tonight at dinner my 11-year-old daughter was giving me tips on how to make friends!  I think I might follow her advice.  Until then I will focus on the fact that the staff and the facility seem to be incredible.  

So for those of you that have asked, texted, e-mailed and had concern for how my day went good, bad, exciting, relieving, anxiety-riddled, etc… my only answer is all of the above!  Thanks for caring and supporting me through all of this - we’ll see what tomorrow brings...