Walking away may be the hardest thing I have ever done

I have taken a leave of absence from my job. To allow myself to heal, recover, whatever you want to call it from this depressive episode.  I never thought of myself as superwoman, but I thought if I worked hard enough I would be able to do it all - and do it well.  This past year has taught me that that is just not possible.  At least not for me.

With the input of so many professionals and the support of my school, family and friends I am on my way to focusing on getting better.  I have relief that I have more than a village, I’d call it a metropolitan city behind me and cheering for my success (when I can’t see it myself I have to hold on tight and believe them when they tell me that this will get better).  

Today I am getting ready to go for an assessment at an outpatient program that will be my full time job for a minimum of 8 weeks.  I feel relief that I no longer have to try to tread water doing what I’ve unsuccessfully been trying to do for the past 18 months.  On the other hand, the not so nice voice in my head is telling me that it can’t believe that I’ve gotten to the point that I have to take a step back not just for a few weeks, but until I can really recover from this episode.  

Getting dressed (yes I figure yoga pants and minimal makeup are probably appropriate for touring a “nonprofit mental health treatment facility”) rather than for going to work with all my students, colleagues and my own children seems bizarre.  When I took 4 weeks off in April it was different.  I went directly from a psychiatric appointment to my infamous night of inpatient care followed by several weeks of an intensive outpatient program.  This time I had more say and more time and I had to gather up the courage to take this leap.

I don’t know what to expect.  My kids know that I will keep them informed about my projected timeline and things I can still be involved in in their lives.  Outpatient means that I will be home to snuggle them every night and catch up on their lives.  

Never would I have thought that I’d be excited for this chapter in my life, but I am hopeful that this will be just what I need to become a better, happier me.  I dream about the day I can walk back into my job and other aspects of my life and be the person that I was able to pretend to be for so long - or even better!  That being said, I think I will end this post so I can head out to this appointment and stop procrastinating… I am taking the leap - headfirst!