Beginning to measure my growth...

The past several months, as I started my recovery, I have felt like I am in a never-ending game of Chutes and Ladders.  For those of you who don’t remember it is a tedious board game where you use a spinner to climb up and hopefully not slide back down, trying to make it to the top of the board before your opponents.  I never liked it as a child or a babysitter and now I think I would chuck it across the room if I came across one.  Or maybe set it on fire!  It’s not fun! Either as a game or as a way of life. I sat with Dr. K and started to complain about these ups and downs in terms of my most recent week.

Luckily I have Dr. K on my side and she was insistent on pointing out to me how far I have come in the past 8 months since we first met.  And that the next few months in recovery will be like a climb up a tall mountain, and I could expect to slip down a little here and there, but I needed to examine how far I have come. At her insistence I am going to start to try and measure my growth in terms of my recovery (as I envision the doorjamb of my grandparent’s old apartment where grandpa used his yardstick and a pencil to mark all of the grandchildren’s heights over the years).  Although I know that I am still near the bottom of the doorjamb, I will publicly celebrate the number of notches on my imaginary doorpost (not bedpost - get your mind out of the gutter) that I have already accomplished.   

• When something came up work related that I didn’t agree with, I spoke up immediately, rather than stewing and stressing. I didn’t make assumptions about the situation
• When a friend cancelled on me for the umpteenth time, I didn’t take it personally.
• I am taking more time for me - and feeling less and less guilty about doing so.
• I have stopped taking photos of the day to post on Facebook, and instead have begun taking mental pictures each day - a snapshot or several of things I am grateful for… just for me! Because that is who I was doing it for anyways.
• Currently I am working my way through a 12 step workbook - I highly recommend everyone trying it at least once in their life… step 4 is an in-depth, mind-blowing look into various aspects of your life. I am working on step 6 at the moment and am very proud of how much thought and effort I am putting into the “project” of recovery.
• And I approached and found a sponsor to help me! Continuing to work on reaching out to others… my friends and family who are behind me and beside me on this journey!
• I am staying “in the moment” a lot more often!  Enjoying the present rather than worrying about the past or being anxious about the future.
• I am crying much, much, much less (not that there is anything wrong with it, but I am happy I haven’t been needing to cry)
• When I do slip into a depression or sadness, I am not automatically feeling like I am back at the bottom of my deep, dark hole that I cannot climb out of… I am using all the tools I can get my hands on - including blogging - to find my way back to safer ground.
• My relationships have become more authentic as I am working to be more honest and open and not hide.  
• I am planning a relaxing vacation with my husband, without camera, kids or too many plans.  A first for me. Going to go with the flow.
• I am much more committed to continuing to work and not give up!

Part of me feels ridiculous sharing this list, but I am starting to realize how important it is to celebrate and acknowledge even the small steps… maybe they will help to lead me - and others - to the big ones!