Thoughts...neither here nor there…

This post may end up being a little rambling, something I would have apologized for in the past, but am embracing in the present!  So if you get bored or lost, please feel free to stop reading… not making any promises, but the next one will hopefully be more coherent!

First - the change in my blog name - I had several friends recently chime in that my original blog title didn't suit me (decided to assume it wasn't compassionate that they were questioning...don't really need to know)....hope this one is better and it sticks.  For those of you who have read since the beginning - in my first blog post I wrote  “I envisioned a book entitled Another Hot Mess: My Journey into Depression and Self-Discovery”... If the book ever happens I will now probably use the same title!  I guess it will be good for publicity.  I do want to thank my friend, who over coffee a few months ago, was talking to me about a friend of hers who she claimed was “also a hot mess” - I laughed and asked if the word also was making an assumption that I was one too!  That night we coined my book title and now the rest is history!

New York was amazing, incredible, fantastic, everything a woman could dream of - filled with art, food, broadway shows and time spent with Dan and several friends.  I relaxed and I ate and for the first 5 days I completely forgot about all my worries.  It was glorious.  

Sounds perfect - right? Well, as we were strolling down 5th Avenue, walking in the shade of the trees hanging over from Central Park… I was struck with a thought.  It’s wonderful not thinking about recovery, illness or anything else.  It was a little like the way I have lived for so long - not addressing the issues and (in the past) suppressing my emotions.  But for a little while it feels so good to be carefree.  I looked at Dan and expressed this thought - and he reminded me that it works for a bit, but then over time we know that it is not a solution.  So I came back to reality.

I still enjoyed the final 3 days of our trip… it was just laced with some hesitation and fear about returning to my “real life” and battle with this disease.  We returned at midnight on Sunday and I had the next day jam packed, as I only had one day at home before returning for my third and final trip to camp this summer.  

A morning meeting with my school principal, a noon appt with Dr. S (psychiatrist), 2 pm with Dr. K, a fun afternoon visiting my friend and her newborn baby before finishing up with a 12 step meeting and talk with my sponsor.  It sounded so good in theory - for a planner like me.  But reality was not so wonderful.  

I met with my principal and used some of my newly learned skills to advocate for myself and it worked wonderfully.  I visited with some old friends and made new ones in the building.  Then I rushed across town to make it just in time to Dr. S’s office.  She was thrilled with the progress I have been making, but reminded me (not for the first time) that what I am doing is more like a marathon, but I am trying to treat it like a sprint.  I know this is true.  I am honest about my impatience - everyone who knows me can vouch for that!  I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I will be dealing with my depression and anxiety and it’s repercussions for my entire life.  I keep thinking my course of recovery is like that from a strep or an ear infection - take the antibiotics for a prescribed number of days and you’ll be good as new.  I am currently digesting that there is no Z pack for what I have.  The good news, at least according to Dr. S, is that since I have come so far and my meds seem to be stabilized, she does not need to see me for 6 months.  My wallet (and husband) were both happy with this news, since this is not a cheap appointment.  As for me, I am still hesitant to believe that I am not going to plummet back into my dark hole.  Luckily, she did say that if I felt I needed to see her sooner - she’d be happy to talk to me.  I will be keeping that information in my back pocket.

Dr. K was next on my Monday schedule.  I left for yet another part of town to sit for an hour in therapy.  This is where the major shift occurred.  So during my time with Dr. K, I filled her in on the wonderful parts of my trip and the last several weeks, and then I started slipping.  I was already internally wrestling with my post-trip-let-down, the last-week-of-summer-blues that almost all teachers and students can relate to; and then it hit me that I am returning to school and my normal routine that I have been out of since April, but probably honestly have been mentally out of for a year and a half.  And I know people keep telling me how strong I am, but I don’t always feel it.  Going back to my “old life” is scary;  like flying in a plane scary (I left that story out for you - just suffice it to say that I’ll be taking something for flying next time I get on an airplane).  So here I am… feeling a thousand times better than I have in a very long time, but extremely anxious, nervous, and apprehensive.  Dr. K, saw the change in my demeanor as I felt it happening.  It was bizarre.  I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time - but fear and apprehension are obviously on my mind.  

I left the appointment feeling unsettled and unhappy.  But unlike during the time of my major depression, I was able to put it aside and go visit my friend and her two week old daughter. Driving to yet another part of the city, I thought about my relationship with this woman that goes back 12 years and 3 children.  I considered how thankful for my friends who have been in my life and who I love and cherish and how lucky I am to be able to celebrate with them when something great comes their way - or on the other hand how we are there for each other in times of need.  We talked, laughed, cried, and stared at her sleeping baby for several hours until I had to leave to go to my 12 step meeting.  It was a wonderful oasis in my day!

Despite my reluctance, and the fact that I had been out of the house for 10 hours by now, I took my last bit of energy to go to my meeting… luckily I had planned to meet up with my sponsor so I didn’t want to cancel on him.  The meeting was nothing to write home about, but it was nice that I did make small talk with some of the people there.  Then my sponsor “H” and I sat and talked about my trips (both literal and figurative).  It helped to know that my confusion makes sense to someone.  By talking to him, I started thinking about ways to work through this current blip.  I got some feedback, input and suggestions.  We said good night and I headed home to pack for 3 more nights away from home.

It wasn’t until my three hour drive to NC that I had time to try to sort through, filter and sift all the thoughts running through my head… I am trying to use everything in my toolbox to wrestle my thoughts into positive ones, but that is still an exhausting and daunting task.  It is at times like these that I realize that I am only like a toddler in this journey, my footing still isn’t so sure and I am probably going to bump into lots of things and fall along the way.  I just have to be confident that if I can stay on this path, continuing to reach out to others and also help myself learn to select and dwell on the positive thoughts, maybe one day I will be able to stand on my own two feet and wander through life unafraid of tripping and stumbling (obviously a metaphor since I am a klutz in real life). Although I don’t know the answers - I might finally be willing to surrender to the unknown - or my higher power - or a combination of the two.  

So that’s where I am… if you can figure it out - can you please let me know - because I truly feel lost on this one.  Going to give it time! Thanks for reading!