Feeling prolific - and hopeful

Recently I blogged about my search for my higher power and a stronger connection to it/him/her (obviously I am still searching).  I have started looking for subtle hints to help me in my quest.  

Last night, sitting in Friday night services, I did something with abandon that I’ve never done before (at least not without feeling guilty)… I didn’t pay attention to the rabbi or the service.  I held the prayer book and flipped through the pages searching for and reading prayers that resonated with me.  Several I read over and over again.  I blinked hard to hold back the tears; I was connecting with my higher power.  It didn’t mean reciting the rote hebrew words that I’ve been repeating for over 30 years as I attend synagogue, for me - last night - it was about surrendering and allowing myself to navigate my own path with my God.  I ended up borrowing a prayer book to take home and read through some of the passages again… I might even be writing some of them in my journal so I can go back to them time and time again.  At this moment I need to find what I can relate to; what can help me and what makes me feel right in terms of my spiritual journey. Below are two short readings that were among the ones I will be reading and reading for a long time to come:

How prayers are answered

Our prayers are answered not only when we are given that for which we ask, but also when we are challenged to become what we are capable of being!  Morris Adler (adapted)

I Believe

I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining.

I believe in love, even when not feeling it.

I believe in God, even when God is silent.

      -from a cellar wall, where Cologne Jews 
hid from Nazis

Then today at a different synagogue I was handed another gift.  My family was invited to share in a wonderful celebration of the baby naming of a friend’s daughter at their new synagogue with a brand new rabbi (it was his 2nd day on the job).  I had only had 1 cup of coffee before leaving the house and I was going through the motions of going to synagogue to be with my friend and commemorate the special occasion with her and her family. I really wasn’t expecting to come away with yet another profound moment, yet I guess I am ready for these at this point in my life.

The synagogue where the naming was held was one I have been to hundreds of times; today was our first visit to the smaller chapel rather than the regular sanctuary.  Visually it was dazzling; stained glass windows in vibrant colors coordinated beautifully with a quilted cover that was draped over the torah table at the front of the room.  Although these were the only two captivating features, it was all together a cozy and inviting room.  I was sitting, relaxed and enjoying the service when the rabbi started his d'var torah (a sermon or lesson based on a torah reading) and my ears immediately perked up.

The d’var torah was about the story of the parting of the Red Sea (stay with me here - as I am going to attempt to paraphrase to keep this blog post somewhat succinct).  It started with how the Israelites were very upset (to say the least) when the Egyptian army pursued them to the Red Sea and they were stuck between the army on the water.  They wondered why God had led them this far just to have them die during the journey.  Moses and the Israelites prayed. Then Nachshon (Aaron’s brother-in-law) took a gigantic leap of faith. He took a step into the sea and believed that God would be there for him.  As it was described this morning, Nachshon walked in more and more Israelites followed him until he was up to his nose in the water and everyone was standing in the Red Sea, when the waters parted and we all know the rest of this story (if not, I suggest renting The Prince of Egypt or reading some of the Torah).  God had the Israelites struggle until the last possible moment, wanting them to do as much as they could for themselves.

The rabbi used this parsha to relate to our friends and their journey to have a daughter (not an easy road for them). He was illustrating their need to have faith in God that he will take care of us, but also  how we have to help ourselves and leap into the water (for them this entailed medical intervention).  For me, this meant surrendering to my higher power, but also working hard to do as much for my own recovery as I can.  I know that many people can take many different meanings from the same exact sermon, but today I felt as if the rabbi was addressing me.  

Another piece in my 2,000 piece puzzle.  I think I may have finally finished the edges.  Isn’t that a nice image?  I’ll celebrate it rather than think about the many pieces that still need to fall (or be forced) into place.  Let’s hope that none have disappeared under the couch!  

(In researching since I got home I now realize that the above d’var torah was not even related to this week’s torah portion - in my mind it was even more destined to come into my life for me to hear)