Thank God

“Wishing and hoping and dreaming and praying…” The opening lines of music from one of my favorite romantic comedies: My Best Friend's Wedding (and yes - this makes 3 semi movie related posts in a row).  Until yesterday i never thought that much about these words.  And then something bad happened.

I went on Facebook and found out that one of the people I met in recovery a few months ago was missing.  She posted a goodbye status and disappeared.  My heart fell.  I was devastated.  This is someone that I met mid-April, but spent a lot of time with in group therapy.  

As I read the missing person posts from her real friends and family I couldn’t help but think about the conversations we had in our few weeks together.  I gave her a few colored pens, which became a joke in our group.  Then I gave her the paint splattered Toms that I had made but couldn’t wear after my time in Cottage C.  We ate lunch together.  Laughed together, cried together, even rolled our eyes together.  We were a part of a group.  Technically and figuratively.  The ever changing dozen or so people in our group were in a fight for our lives.  We had come undone and were there to get control.  We spent most waking hours of our day in classes, conversations and therapy.  This group understood mental illness, struggles and each one of us had been there!  Even though I only spent twenty or so days with this person and the others in my group, the days were filled with meaningful insight and soul bearing exchanges.  We were honest and raw because we knew that we were able to talk in a safe and somewhat anonymous environment.  I realize now that the people in that room I have spoken to in a deeper and truer way and for a longer amount of time than I have to most of my friends and relatives during my entire life (best friends and husband notwithstanding).

Now it makes sense to me why this situation had me reaching out to my higher power and seriously praying for her safety.  I know that she has considered taking her life before and even tried, but her higher power didn’t want her to leave her family, friends and 3 children.  I sent my prayers and re-posted her photo and information and waited and hoped and wished.  During that time I thought about what she must be going through; and I hurt.  A lot.  And a small part of me thought that if she was gone that at least her tormented soul would be at rest.  I tried to imagine the aftermath… how difficult it would be for her friends and family… how they wouldn’t understand.  But unfortunately most of us who had heard her deep pains would understand just a little bit.  

I can’t explain the chills that ran down my body, when a family member of hers posted that she had been found alive.  I did thank God.  I thought about my higher power and hers - they are probably somehow overlapped - along with those of her friends and family and something clicked.  She is getting another chance to recover.  I don’t know any more details, but I know she is alive.  And that gives me hope.

I now realize that there are times I have turned to my higher power; for me it has occurred in times of sickness and when flying in airplanes… and it just comes naturally… I don’t even think about it.  Which also means I haven’t often taken the time to thank my higher power when things come to an encouraging conclusion.  I will take that time now.

Last night as I climbed into bed continued to wish and hope and pray and dream for my friend and her loved ones.  And I promised to make a more conscious effort to surrender to my higher power more often.