Why I am a proud quitter

I’m almost 40 (coming soon and the day will probably get a post of its own) and I’ve finally quit something without an excessive amount of guilt or disappointment in myself.

As I am struggling with overcoming my people pleasing and perfectionism I am finding that both self care and my health may outweigh the pride I’ve always felt in not quitting something.  This in not to say that I will become an excessive quitter (although sometimes it is quite tempting). I am just learning that follow through on some things may not be as important as I once thought.

I’ve always kept to my commitments to myself once I’ve made plans, even when it is the last thing I want to do when the time comes around, because I respect and value other people’s time and it is usually with those I love. And for the most part I am planning to continue this practice. And I am learning not to say “yes” to everything that is offered to me so I give myself some breathing room.

And why am I proud that I quit?!?  Several months ago I was speaking with one of my rabbis and I decided that I wanted to celebrate my 40th by reading from the Torah on the Shabbat closest to my birthday. I promised I would study and learn the trope (meaning I’d have to sing the tune in front of the congregation). I was excited. And determined. And frozen. I looked at the piece of copy paper that had my 7 lines printed on it every day since the day we met. It traveled in my purse, sat on my night table both at camp and home, on the passenger seat of my car, and yet I never got the balls to start learning it. I asked friends to hold me accountable and always had excuses as to why I hadn’t started. Fast forward to last week.

I really thought that I was just procrastinating. And so I confirmed with the rabbi that I was indeed going to learn it. Yesterday I learned the first two lines. And this morning I woke up more determined than ever. And my anxiety decided to be even more determined than me. And I really didn’t want to let it win. I hadn’t told anyone besides Dan and the girls, the rabbi, and a few friends who don’t drive on Shabbat, that I was going to read. I was doing it for me. And I was going to continue and follow through for myself, but even more for them. As I showered a thought came to me. The next three days are going to be crazy with going back to school and girls starting dance and dinner with my family on Friday night. If I wanted to enjoy them, I couldn’t let my mind continue going to all the stress and fears associated with standing up in front of people, chanting in a different language a sacred text. I would spend the next 72 hours stressing and obsessing, beating myself up over my mental state and procrastination. And then it hit me. I can quit. I won’t hurt anyone. I might disappoint, minorly, my girls and the rabbi. I would definitely disappoint myself. I hemmed and hawed and then quickly typed out a text to my rabbi. I waited a minute and she replied “No problem. Relax.” And I did.

A few minutes later I realized that taking this off of my plate was a great move. I breathed a big sigh of relief and immediately went to work, planning for school. I will go to synagogue on Shabbat and enjoy being a congregant. I will sit and relax and feel at peace. And I will be okay. Maybe with all of this growth and recovery I am actually becoming older and wiser?!?!

An in progress photo of the tallit (prayer shawl) I silk painted this summer in anticipation of my Torah reading,
that I will be proudly sporting as sit and watch the Torah being read!