Balances I am struggling to find

Procrastination vs. being mindful. Acceptance vs. advocating for myself. Working vs. self care. Writing/talking about my mental illness and experiences vs. “moving on.” And I don’t think I can even write about my hardest one - being extra sensitive vs. learning not to take things personally.

Being a strong participant of dichotomous thinking by nature (and having almost 40 years experience at it) I have and continue to have a very hard time emotionally finding a middle ground. Rationally I can see the overlapping areas and try to wrestle the irrational part of my brain to twist into this type of thinking. Unfortunately it seems to continue to be a struggle.

Today as I moved into a different classroom that I am not really happy with, I had thoughts about the whole acceptance vs. advocating for certain things.  I accepted the current situation and luckily could concentrate on appreciating the 4 wonderful souls who helped me unpack and organize for hours.

9:00 this morning

12:30 this afternoon

Somehow my mind was still racing with my thoughts on how “this was done to me.” Yes, I was taking it personally - and I shouldn’t have. And I know that I am not a strong advocate for myself. (You mess with my family, friends or pretty much anyone else and that’s a different story.)

Unfortunately when I think I will not be heard, I don’t even attempt to advocate and doesn’t lead to acceptance in the way it should - or maybe it shouldn’t. I begin to think in black and white about either stuffing my thoughts and feelings or having to leave the situation entirely (not immediately, but for the future) - and I am working to find a middle ground. I am not there yet.

And finding my boundaries, as well as learning to stick up for myself rather than always accepting, is proving to be a difficult task. I know that somewhere I will need to figure some of this out; however, for the time being I am unfortunately starting to internalize some of these issues again and without changing my thoughts and behaviors I am confident that I will not grow. I am determined not to let it happen.

As I start my 18th year teaching art where I work hard with my students to make them see that art is subjective, fluid and subjective, I know that I need to apply this reasoning to things that happen in my life. So I am going to take a few deep breaths and get ready to go to sleep. I have a big day tomorrow - appointments with both my therapist and psychiatrist (I’m not stupid. I’m not taking any chances in the next few weeks. I need as much support as I can get)!