So many steps forward, so many steps back

Some days I describe my current recovery as 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.  Today I think I am going for 3 steps forward, 5 steps back.  It’s like a dance whose steps change every day or even hour.  This morning I woke up and had a thought that it would be a great day.  Yesterday was pretty good… I dropped a kid off at a playdate and then went for my first time to a tattoo parlor (even more amazing is that I got up the nerve to go by myself).  Although I was an art major in college, I am not inked, and I don’t know if I ever will be.  I’m too scared of needles and indecisive to commit to any image to be permanently marked on my body -  although I am not making any promises about the future (sorry, Mom and Dad).  Instead I decided to have my helix pierced (making most of you look that up)!  The people in the tattoo shop were nice as can be - and both other customers encouraged me to come back at another time for a tattoo and highly recommended the parlor we were standing in… I guess that’s good info to hold on to.  I was impressed with myself that I actually started conversations with each of them, getting their stories and interacting with strangers.  I was a little shy and it took 15 minutes for me to let the piercer know that I was a customer and what I was interested in doing.  He was nice, took my license and then described the process and the aftercare.  A little soap, a pen, a large needle and a wire hoop and we were in business.  With a throbbing helix (still not telling) I headed out to a luncheon with friends from school.  We were saying good-bye to a few people who will not be returning and I was not sure how I would maintain my composure.  I was happily surprised with myself; I talked to friends, shared good memories and kept it together.  I had fun!  

After picking up my daughter, we met several other colleagues, and some of their babies, at the park for a playdate and dinner at the food trucks.  The weather was gorgeous, the food delicious and the friends warm and great company.  Ended the day on a high note.  

When that happens I really think I am headed in the right direction.  Woke up this morning after a good amount of sleep and went to breakfast with daughter and several friends… still doing well.  Headed to Dr. K for an appointment and brought up something personal that I wasn’t sure I was ready to discuss - although no time would ever be right.  She was wonderful and understanding, but that didn’t stop my thoughts from heading directly into the awful, low places that I keep visiting.  I left her office, picked up some ingredients and came home ready to smile and bake with my 8 year old… we had fun, but my mind kept wandering.  You know it’s bad when you forget to put the bananas in the banana bread.  We finished what we set out to do and in exhaustion we collapsed on the couch to watch a movie.  Well she is watching, while I type this blog post.

I can recognize the terrible feeling of sliding down, I know that is when I am supposed to reach out for someone… and although I really want to… you already know I won’t call anyone, but even worse I run through my list of people I could text - the ones that are there for me day or night… but I don’t want to connect.  I want to curl up on the couch and vegetate.  Luckily Dan will be home soon and he knows, for the most part, how to keep me going.  It still astounds me how many emotions I can go through and how quickly I can bounce from one to another.  I’d like to take 10 steps forward and maybe not ever step back… unfortunately I know that is never going to happen.  That’s not the way this works - must keep reminding myself of that!