Still and probably forever a hot mess

Many of my friends and family have been laughing at the amount of creativity, effort and time I’ve been putting into my older daughter’s upcoming bat mitzvah. I can definitely agree with them and even laugh a little at myself...that is until I look into the “why” of my over the top planning and crafting.  Then I am a little concerned. It is nothing new for me to see myself as a perfectionist. I want everything to have 100% of my time and effort. Of course this is impossible, yet it is how I approach most everything: a bat mitzvah, a school play, parenting, teaching, being a wife… The list could go on. And I am an anxious person (which if you’ve been following this blog for any amount of time you already know). AND my anxiety and perfectionism feed off of each other until I am literally staying up until midnight decorating toothpicks with paper flags and sequins for the dessert table (you can’t make this shit up).

I think I have thought of and worked on so many minute details of this simcha (Hebrew for joyous occasion) for so many reasons. First I strangely think that the more I do, the more my daughter will know the depths of my love for her. I also love to do projects and see how over the top I can make them - on a budget of course. I don’t want to let anyone down (not that I cognitively believe that decorations for this event can do that) and I feel pressure as an art teacher that people who know me want to see what I have done, so it has to be to my too high standards. Also... it keeps me out of trouble (I’ll explain below).

The exhaustion, mental and physical, are beyond my usual tiredness. I ache. And yet I am in some way happy that I have this stuff to throw my mental energy into - because it keeps the depression at bay.

A few weeks ago I was in a very rough spot - again. And what has changed? My schedule and stress level. I work with the drama department at my school and we are putting on our school play. My colleagues are throwing themselves into the production and have discussed finally being able to take a breath after the final show. I too am throwing myself into the details and rehearsals, but know that just five days after the final show my daughter’s bat mitzvah weekend will commence.

So I am expecting to start breathing again after that Sunday (not literally, but sadly I do have friends and therapists who often have to remind me to breathe). I am also scared. Having sets to paint, props to make, tickets to print, kids to wrangle, photos to take, etc. (all for the middle school play), combined with decorations to make, gift bags to assemble, paper goods to buy, the montage to finish, etc. etc. etc. have kept me from my depression. That’s the good and bad of high functioning depression. What will happen when this is all over?

So many moms I have spoken with have expressed that they have had a difficult time after their children’s b’nai mitzvot (plural of bar/bat mitzvah). My friends have all suggested I cope ahead and prepare for a let down. And what am I thinking? I have to throw myself into my next project. And although that might sound logical, I know that it will begin my new cycle of avoidance. I have spent so many years running myself ragged in order to avoid my emotions and feelings. And it is not a great way to live.

I can’t remember the last time I had energy - at least that wasn’t of the nervous kind. Luckily at this point I am in therapy and on medication that will hopefully help me keep from slipping into this pattern.

Just a small preview of the madness!

I wanted to put this all out there for anyone who knows me and might attend or see photos from the bat mitzvah party. Normally people say something is done with blood, sweat and tears. I would have to say that the planning and execution of this bat mitzvah was accomplished through love, anxiety and (on more than one occasion) tears. And I hope that I (and family and friends in attendance) can appreciate the day all the more because of everything that went into it. And maybe, just maybe I will not beat myself up for going overboard with the little details or for any mishaps or things that I have forgotten. As I have been working at it for a while now, I am trying, for the first time, to accept and embrace my hot mess of a self!