Wrestling with the idea of God’s tests

I spent the past 25 hours with 90 women at a spiritual Jewish retreat. It was thought provoking, tear inducing and left me with a racing mind. And I think I enjoyed it.  

Being surrounded by so many strong, inspiring women, many whom I have known throughout different areas of my life was both wonderful and socially exhausting. My social anxiety was put to a real test, which I am happy to report, I passed, using skills and relying on the support of my loved ones!  And it was hard, a true test.

The keynote speaker of this retreat, Lori Palatnik, opened with a talk about how most challenges in our lives are a test to see how we have learned and are growing in our faith and strength. And in some ways I was comforted by this thought.  Everything in her talk was brought down to four different categories in our decision making.  And it made a lot of sense.

To sum it up in the interest of time, every choice we make boils down to one of these 4 decisions:

• Are we giving or taking?
• Are we making a connection or creating an estrangement?
• Are we accepting or rejecting something?
• Is this My Will or God’s Will?

For more information, check out the video about some of this talk and many of her other talks here (Lori is a riveting, passionate, humorous and inspiring speaker): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUDBN1vVTsg

As I listened to Lori’s examples that made perfect sense and ended up tied with a pretty bow - when you make the “right” choice things work out in the end, despite how hard the tests are at the time. She did allow for times when life’s challenges are unexplained to us and possibly will change the lives of others around us, rather than us directly.

And then a lightbulb went on - or rather off - in my head. What kind of tests are my mental illnesses? In small ways, I can see how I am growing and learning and becoming stronger by working on recovery, learning skills and coming into my own authenticity. Don’t get me wrong, but really how many tests does God think I need and how hard do they need to be? And if I keep getting more and more tests, does God think that I am making the wrong choices - even when I think I am choosing giving, making connections, accepting and/or doing God’s Will?  In which case this whole philosophy gets even more confusing.

When I think of the challenges and tests I’ve experienced the past few years I have to think that God is possibly that mean teacher that gives pop quizzes and long essay tests on a weekly basis.  You know, the nit picky teacher who looks for ways to trick his or her students. And that is not how I want to imagine God. This makes me think and also question my faith. And is that why God is “punishing” me with my brain chemistry? And if so, why would I want to put my faith in him? Needless to say this takes me down the rabbit hole. And continues my push and pull on my spirituality and faith.

I do love that I am a part of a religion that allows and encourages my questioning.  And for that I am grateful.

*And I did fail the test of challenging myself to approach Lori Palatnik and talk to her about my reservations about her theory… my social anxiety won that by a landslide!