My love of metaphors for mental illness continues - the emotional dam

After years and years of built up pressure of emotions and thoughts and feelings that I repressed I can honestly say that a dam has been broken. At first I thought I had a pond full of these. Then I was hopeful it was only a lake. Where I am now, I am almost positive that my dam was holding back an ocean of thoughts, feelings and emotions.  

Starting in the spring of 2014 there was a small hole and a leak began.  By September the pressure was too much for my old barrier and when a friend gently asked “What’s wrong?” the dam burst and everything came rushing out. And since that moment I’ve been trying to reconstruct it. With scotch tape. You can probably guess how well that worked. I have been standing ever since trying to use my hands and body to stop the metaphorical waters (ok - real tears, too). It’s exhausting. It’s frustrating. It’s impossible.  And maybe I need a new strategy.

I think my group therapist might be thrilled to hear me say this… maybe it’s time I ride the waves. Or as he would say “sit with it.” I’d like to think I can get in a raft and paddle in a direction I choose and I probably have to admit I am more accurately in an inner tube. I can use my feet or hands to push off the banks of the proverbial river when I get really stuck, but other than that it truly is out of my hands. I can keep myself from overturning and try not to bump too hard into obstacles in my way. Maybe I am not supposed to have a barrier to my emotions. What a scary thought; however, if that is the case I am seriously hoping that after the initial (years long) accumulated pressure subsides the flow will be a hell of a lot slower and my journey will be a lot gentler.

Watching the water coming in...

Now to just make myself relax back in the inner tube and appreciate the blue sky. Wish me luck! Not easy for me - at all!