Why Blog?

In the past few days both my sponsor and my therapist have questioned my experience and desire to blog.  They are both supportive, but concerned that the energy I put into writing these posts may not be what I need to be spending energy on.  And it puts a lot of my dirty laundry (also known as crazy thoughts) out in the world - for everyone and anyone to see.  And after I answered them, with my reasons I both love and hate my blog, I thought I should share it here as well.  

First of all, I don’t want anyone to worry that I stress over this blog.  I only sit down to write when the thoughts are spinning around in my head and I want to get them out.  I truly believe that typing these words give them less power over me.  Many times I can type and post and then forget or distract myself with other, better thoughts.

Posting in a public forum is a great exercise that helps my recovery.  There are days that I am too tired, frustrated and all around anxious/depressed that I’d rather climb into bed and stay under the covers.  On those days, having people who have reached out to me, who only know about my struggles because of my blog, that have been there and “get it” come to my mind and I drag myself about my day.

That has been the most incredible part of this experience.  Connecting with others, who I know and love, but never knew went through very similar experiences at one time or another in their lives.  They inspire me.  They are the ones that I look up to because they are standing strong and surviving.  And I hope to be like them sooner rather than later.  But I am learning, I should be ok with later, too.  No one that has reached out to me has expressed that their is a fast track for the work I am doing.  It is a long, and sometimes painful, road.

As for the reason I hate this blog… there is a small (or perhaps some days - big), nagging part of my mind that feels like some (or many) people now look at me through a new lens.  I have ceased being the funny, easy-going, loud person that they have known (and was a mask that I wore well) for however long they’ve known me - and now they might see me as weak or ill or somehow think lesser of me.  I know that this is probably true - to a very small (hopefully infinitesimal) degree.  And really, I shouldn’t care. At all.  

And since I have opened Pandora’s box and already started this, I plan to continue.  For me. And really only for me.  If it helps others, then that is really just a great side benefit.  For now, the external validation is so wonderful and helpful that I will just revel in it (and try not to beat myself up that I need it).  One day, I may not care or need people’s support and kind comments, but admittedly that day is further away than I once thought, but I am settling into being ok with that.  

So to Dr. K and “H” - thanks for the suggestion, but for now I’m going to keep on blogging!  (Except for tonight - I’m going to climb into a hot bath and then bed)