The shattering of my unrealistic expectations

This is a hard one to write… and express in black-and-white. And not to mention admit to others or myself.  But here goes - because I know many of you will probably need to reference this one when talking to me in the coming months/years (but hopefully not decades).  

It’s time for me to come clean. Intellectually I understand that therapy and recovery take time.  Lots of it.  But for some strange reason I thought that applied to everyone - except ME.  Dr. K would even recall that I expected to feel much better after my first appointment with her back in last October - before the therapy even started.  

I am not known for my patience in the best of times.  And now I find myself on the shortest fuse which seems to be in direct correlation with my fear, shame and negative thoughts.  I honestly expected to start the new school year as the new and drastically improved me.  I jumped into therapy, recovery, sharing, taking meds, blogging, you name it - thinking if I threw everything I had at my illness that I would be across the finish line before beginning back at school.  Or at least I believed I’d be on the last leg of my journey with the end in sight.  Oh how foolish I was.  And still am - and not to mention my denial.  

My self esteem has never been great, but some part of me actually thought that I could out-think and out-smart my depression and anxiety or at least do it on my own time frame.  Obviously as I am writing this you know I am learning that I was wrong.  Very, very, very, very wrong.  

As upsetting as I am finding the truth to be, I am attempting to learn that reaching out to others and still needing my supportive friends, family and colleagues to support and love me and all my crazy ups and downs.  And I am trying to focus on the positive that I have so many of you still willing to do that for me.  I am working towards not feeling weak, whiny or pathetic and instead think that my recovery only really began a little over 4 months ago, and I still have ways to go.  I also need to give myself a break from beating myself up…

Never before has it seemed so crucial for me to learn how to “give it to God and let it go.”  Now the only question that remains is how to give up my control freak behaviors to do so?

Starting tomorrow I am going to try to remember that I have to take it one day at a time or sometimes even a minute at a time.  When I forget - please remind me!