Could all those memes be right?

The kind of image that used to make me shudder -
and to be completely honest - sometimes still does....

For months and months, OK probably years, I have cringed whenever I’ve read a sign, ecard, or other quote whose gist is “want to be happy - just think happy.”  Why?  Because it seems so easy.  And I knew that it wasn’t realistic for me or many other people suffering from depression.  In theory it would have been wonderful and maybe I could have used the money spent on doctors, medicine, treatment and therapy for a new car - or at least put it away for my daughters’ college funds.  But now, in addition to the therapy and meds, could they be right????  I hate to think that the answer is yes.

Why do I hate the thought of thinking happy?  Because it is exhausting and confusing for me.  I have never thought of myself as a negative person.  Now I know that I have some deep rooted negative thought patterns that have created worn paths in my brain that make my mind wander and wallow in that direction.  That’s not to say I am never happy or have good thoughts.  But it definitely helps to create my distorted thinking!  The good news (see I’m looking for the positive) is that you can change your thinking.  The bad news (hey I’m still the same old me - for now) is that it will take time and energy and a lot of brain-power.  

Starting the new school year has been overwhelming for a variety of reasons.  I am scared about being back in my routine that I left last spring in a not so good place.  Intellectually and rationally I know that I am in a much better place; but I can’t seem to keep my mind from thinking every small step backward might be the beginning of a drastic plummet back into my deep depression.  My friends and colleagues have been nothing short of wonderful - but their compassion still causes tears to well up in my eyes.  And this frightens me too.  I have never been a habitual crier.  Having spent almost three decades repressing many of my emotions and thoughts, I like to stuff.  And in the past year when that didn’t work, the tears flowed freely.  And I mean freely.  Now I am doing better and the onset of tears makes me wonder if I cry will it be a trickle or a flood.  So I have started stuffing again.  This whole moderation thing has never been my strong point.

Having been a proponent (or at least participant) of repression for so long, it is difficult for me to see the difference between thinking happy thoughts and repressing my emotions.  I had to ask Dr. K specifically.  And I think I understand it.  We’ll see over time.  Again moderation comes into play.  When negative/scary/hard interactions occur, it is normal to give your brain time to process them; it is not good to allow yourself to wallow and harp and focus on them.  So you have to move on.  I haven’t had to test this out yet, but it was even recommended that I set a timer for 20 or 30 minutes, allow myself to whine, complain or cry, shout - whatever I need to do.  And then when the time runs out, I need to focus on the positive/happy or according to Dr. K ”pink fluffy clouds and glittery unicorns” (not sure if that’s where my happy thoughts lie - probably more with sushi and gelato).  I am trying not to be too hard on myself that I need help to get to the happy thoughts.  I even have a list in my purse to help me remember some of my happy thoughts.  My first reaction to this sentence - was how pathetic I must be.  I am reframing it to how lucky I am to have the help of Dr. K to help me learn to tackle life differently!  (see my great example at work?)

So here I am… trying to be sunshine.  Something many people have always seen in me, but I have never really seen in myself.  It works, yet it takes energy.  So I will sleep more and try not to feel guilty about my recovery! Hopefully over time, I will wear new paths in my brain and will no longer have to consciously think about being positive, but until them I am determined to do the work!  It does make the days better… I just have to remember that.

So here is my PSA: when you see someone upset or depressed, please know that although thinking happy thoughts might be a part of the solution - it probably is not the whole solution and might be a lot harder for them than it might be for you.  And I will do my part not to roll my eyes when I read those memes on Facebook or Pinterest - and maybe even start to share them with others!