Update from NYC....
Writing this sitting alone in NYC. I'm proud, relieved and just a teensy bit anxious. Let me explain.
Dan and I were very fortunate to get a real vacation this summer. After the past year I know we both really needed it. I feel grateful and spoiled rotten. So far we have eaten out 7 delicious meals, eaten ice cream/gelato 4 times, attended 3 Broadway shows, and visited 4 museums. In addition to this we have seen friends and relatives and have walked and walked and walked. Our kids are at camp and we have had very little on our agenda.
Tonight Dan is on his way to the U2 concert that he bought tickets to last fall. That was the impetus behind this entire trip. Originally I said I'd go with him. This was before I started therapy...and now I am (hopefully) much wiser and more communicative. I hate crowds. I hate loud noise. I love my husband. There is my conflict. We have seen U2 together several times...and as much as I love spending time with him, the prior experiences were less than enjoyable. So when he excitedly told me that he got floor seats at Madison Square Garden...you can imagine my surprise. This was last autumn and I knew how strong he was being for our family so I told him I'd fly to New York with him and attend the show.
Now I'll fast forward several months. I hit a major stumbling block and started lots and lots of therapy (and some meds, too). Every time I thought about going to this concert my anxiety started to have a field day. Finally I talked to Dan and explained that I had valid reasons for not wanting to have this be a date night...at first he seemed a little disappointed and I almost recanted...but then I realized I needed to take care of me. Yes. I am learning. The idea of reading a book, drinking a glass (or two or three) of wine, and climbing into bed early was infinitely more appealing and relaxing. I didn't totally leave him hanging....I did offer to suffer through it if he could not find a stand in. I was thrilled when his friend from college expressed excitement over going to the concert. So here I am...
We took the subway to Soho this morning to have lunch with a close friend. For several days I've known that I'd have to navigate my way back to the Upper East Side alone....traveling across New York city by myself....something commuters and tourists do every day. For most people this may sound ridiculous, but when you struggle with anxiety it is a real predicament. Years ago I studied abroad in a foreign country where I didn't speak the language. At the time I was in denial about my illness so I put on a brave face and internally panicked at every turn. Now I am older and no longer willing to put myself through the same turmoil....but at the same time refused to let my fears stop me. So I did what I needed to do. I talked to Dan and my friend about my different options for traveling the 5 miles from point A to B: walking, subway, taxi or bus. We decided with consideration of time, traffic, and the blisters on my feet that subway would be my best bet. I expressed my nerves to Dan and asked him to accompany me to the station. He was happy (or at least willing) to do so.
As I got on the subway car I put on my "resting bitch face," clutched my purse in my lap and avoided eye contact with fellow subway riders. Ten stops later I exited the train and climbed the stairs to street level with a feeling of confidence. I was smiling...and decided that I deserved a prize....so I visited a boutique grocery store and bought myself a small container of freshly squeezed grapefruit juice!
Three blocks later I entered the apartment, took off my shoes and am currently waiting for a friend to come over. She happens to be in town too and was up for a girls night in.
Update: We drank our wine, sat and watched the sunset on the roof of the apartment building, and talked and talked and ate and talked until Dan came home from the concert. It was a wonderful night!
At the beginning of this post I mentioned also being anxious...here's why... this trip has been amazing, fantabulous, everything I could dream of...and I feel like I've taken a break from my real life and my journey....and in less than 3 days I'll be returning home. I want to figure out how to keep some of these feelings going while also resuming my search for inner peace and happiness.
It's been a great and much needed vacation and I am going to try my best to stay in the moment and not worry about it. Now back to the museums, visits and eating!!!
Dan and I were very fortunate to get a real vacation this summer. After the past year I know we both really needed it. I feel grateful and spoiled rotten. So far we have eaten out 7 delicious meals, eaten ice cream/gelato 4 times, attended 3 Broadway shows, and visited 4 museums. In addition to this we have seen friends and relatives and have walked and walked and walked. Our kids are at camp and we have had very little on our agenda.
Tonight Dan is on his way to the U2 concert that he bought tickets to last fall. That was the impetus behind this entire trip. Originally I said I'd go with him. This was before I started therapy...and now I am (hopefully) much wiser and more communicative. I hate crowds. I hate loud noise. I love my husband. There is my conflict. We have seen U2 together several times...and as much as I love spending time with him, the prior experiences were less than enjoyable. So when he excitedly told me that he got floor seats at Madison Square Garden...you can imagine my surprise. This was last autumn and I knew how strong he was being for our family so I told him I'd fly to New York with him and attend the show.
Now I'll fast forward several months. I hit a major stumbling block and started lots and lots of therapy (and some meds, too). Every time I thought about going to this concert my anxiety started to have a field day. Finally I talked to Dan and explained that I had valid reasons for not wanting to have this be a date night...at first he seemed a little disappointed and I almost recanted...but then I realized I needed to take care of me. Yes. I am learning. The idea of reading a book, drinking a glass (or two or three) of wine, and climbing into bed early was infinitely more appealing and relaxing. I didn't totally leave him hanging....I did offer to suffer through it if he could not find a stand in. I was thrilled when his friend from college expressed excitement over going to the concert. So here I am...
We took the subway to Soho this morning to have lunch with a close friend. For several days I've known that I'd have to navigate my way back to the Upper East Side alone....traveling across New York city by myself....something commuters and tourists do every day. For most people this may sound ridiculous, but when you struggle with anxiety it is a real predicament. Years ago I studied abroad in a foreign country where I didn't speak the language. At the time I was in denial about my illness so I put on a brave face and internally panicked at every turn. Now I am older and no longer willing to put myself through the same turmoil....but at the same time refused to let my fears stop me. So I did what I needed to do. I talked to Dan and my friend about my different options for traveling the 5 miles from point A to B: walking, subway, taxi or bus. We decided with consideration of time, traffic, and the blisters on my feet that subway would be my best bet. I expressed my nerves to Dan and asked him to accompany me to the station. He was happy (or at least willing) to do so.
As I got on the subway car I put on my "resting bitch face," clutched my purse in my lap and avoided eye contact with fellow subway riders. Ten stops later I exited the train and climbed the stairs to street level with a feeling of confidence. I was smiling...and decided that I deserved a prize....so I visited a boutique grocery store and bought myself a small container of freshly squeezed grapefruit juice!
Three blocks later I entered the apartment, took off my shoes and am currently waiting for a friend to come over. She happens to be in town too and was up for a girls night in.
Update: We drank our wine, sat and watched the sunset on the roof of the apartment building, and talked and talked and ate and talked until Dan came home from the concert. It was a wonderful night!
At the beginning of this post I mentioned also being anxious...here's why... this trip has been amazing, fantabulous, everything I could dream of...and I feel like I've taken a break from my real life and my journey....and in less than 3 days I'll be returning home. I want to figure out how to keep some of these feelings going while also resuming my search for inner peace and happiness.
It's been a great and much needed vacation and I am going to try my best to stay in the moment and not worry about it. Now back to the museums, visits and eating!!!
I love you and admire you, Devi! I recently put on my brave face and accompanied my hubby to a concert, staying seated while everyone around me was up and clapping. After reading this post, I can now give myself permission to stay at home.
ReplyDeleteThank you thank you thank you! I say stay at home if you want! It's liberating!
ReplyDelete