On the Defensive - Squared

There are two things that I do… a lot… that many people may consider inappropriate, impersonal, unnecessary, rude, bizarre or some combination of all of the above. Today I want to talk about the pros of both texting and talking openly about my mental health, since I often hear about the cons.  Sometimes I second guess my decisions and the doubt starts to creep in and I want this out there in black and white to remind myself that I feel strongly about both of these issues.

I’ll start with the easier of the two - texting.  I know that texting is somewhat impersonal and that a face to face meeting or phone conversation is a much better way of connecting - most of the time.  But as a parent and full time teacher, texting allows me more time and energy to spend with my kids.  I can get important information, answer questions or make plans (to see someone in person) on my terms. This happens at times that are convenient for me, such as during my lunchtime at school or while my girls are upstairs cleaning their rooms or folding laundry (insert laughter here).  This keeps me off the phone for long conversations that I would have with people I love who I can often not get off the phone.  When I want to schedule a phone conversation… I usually text them to make sure we can find a mutually convenient time!  In the past people had no other options but it’s wonderful to not have to worry about imposing on someone else’s time.  

Until 2 years ago that is where my argument in favor of texting would have ended.  But here is where the fact that I have shared and spoken openly about my depression collides with the texting issue.  I have heard from so many others who suffer from depression, and I know it to truly be the case for me, texting allows you to be in some type of communication with friends and loved ones when you literally can’t pick up the phone. When you feel that bad, the idea of having to talk can be paralyzing. Texting is a life saver.  The texts went both ways. My supportive people were able to check in with me and I tried to respond; however, I will readily admit that sometimes that was even too much and many of my incoming texts went unanswered. When I was crying so hard that I couldn’t audibly verbalize some of my intense feelings I could text them to the people who would come to my rescue or sit and hold my hand. There were times when all I could handle was to text “:(” and Dan, Dr. Kirby, or one of my closest friends would know I was in need of support. There is now a Crisis Text Line where all anyone has to do is “text 741741 when in crisis. Anywhere, anytime.” I am positive that there are many people who will text as a cry for help that feels safer,more accessible, and immediate than any other form of reaching out. That is how powerful and wonderful texting can be. That being said, when my daughters’ get cell phones and begin texting, I will probably not be as big a fan (I’m nothing if not honest).

And now for my explanation for speaking about my depression. I think I have mentioned some of this before, but probably not all in one place.  So many people suffer, and those who don’t definitely come in contact with people that do - whether it is a colleague, friend or family member.  As confusing as it is to have a mental illness, where very often your rational mind doesn’t work in tandem with your emotions, just imagine how it is even harder for those around you to understand. So the best we (or at least I) can do is try to give a bit of insight into the workings of my brain. Without trying to communicate what it feels like to suffer from my depression and anxiety, the people around me have absolutely no clue what is racing through my mind or to start to figure out how they can be of help to me, others or themselves.

I have learned about so many other people around me and how they have had similar experiences through my sharing. This helps me and them to make connections and support one another. Others who are beginning their journey have reached out to me and I have tried to offer my pseudo words of wisdom - or at least give my opinion as to what has worked or not worked for me.  Hopefully with more and more people having a part in destigmatizing mental health, we will make it easier for others to get help and get it quickly when they need it and sooner than many of us who suffer have gotten it in the past.  The shame associated with suffering keeps many from reaching out and just delays the start of recovery (and that is the best case scenario).

Relief. There is no better word to describe how I feel no longer hiding the fact that I have a psychiatry or therapy appointment. Or that I have a legitimate reason for canceling at the last minute when I can’t get myself to leave the house. Before I outed myself I spent a good deal of time concocting stories, alibis or avoided conversations so people would not figure out that I was in treatment. After my children found out I asked them not to tell anyone about my mental health. And it felt terrible to treat it like a secret that we should be embarrassed by. And then it became a giant head game deciding who to tell, when to tell, how much to tell and why to tell.  I spent countless hours wondering if I told too little or too much and I laid in bed for many hours regretting conversations I had and those that I hadn’t.

And then I bit the bullet and posted my first blog post that exposed my raw self. I had several people who were visibly weirded out and skeptical of my “oversharing.” Some actually questioned if I would regret posting about my illness and recovery. And to be honest, the first few months I did second guess myself. But when the support and connections and requests for help started coming in and I no longer had to hide it felt wonderful and I haven’t looked back! My philosophy is that anyone is welcome to stop reading whenever they want, but at least for the time being, I am going to keep writing and sharing. There is a lot out there, and my corner of the world might be a tiny one, but it’s mine and I am going to live in it - honestly and openly.

I’d write more, but I have to go and text my therapist! :)