Depression Sucks: Volume II

As I said in a previous post, there is no other way to describe living with depression.  At this point I’ve decided we are in a sort of wrestling competition (Collegiate Wrestling, not Professional Wrestling).  I’m exhausted and I thought I was on top, had depression in a headlock and counting to ten in order to be declared the winner.  And then with no warning, depression got a burst of energy and now I am floundering.

My anxiety is tag teaming with the depression. And I know that once one visits me, the other is never far behind.  It’s extremely unfair, there are two of them and just one of me.  And all the coaching I am getting from the sidelines (?) is wonderful, and I am still alone on the mat to fight my battle.  And I am only a freshman with a lot of training to go before I can feel comfortable wrestling.  Unfortunately I get the feeling I am going to be having matches for a long time to come so I’d better be in top condition to deal with my opponents. That is about the full extent of my attempt at a wrestling analogy.

Or maybe not.  

This is where I paused in writing this to have tea with a friend who offered to come over and lend an ear when I revealed I was in distress.  After admitting that I never know what I need when I am descending towards (hopefully not into) a depressed state although I realize that for my recovery I have to reach out instead of isolating.  When reaching out I have always wanted to have specific needs or requests and when I don’t know what they are I am stumped and feel ridiculous calling, texting or e-mailing for a friend or professional.  

My very smart friend pointed out that my having someone on the other end of the phone or computer or sitting next to me on the couch does make me feel like I am not alone in this battle.  Talking or not talking it doesn’t make a difference.  So back to wrestling… (words I never imagined myself typing)

My friends, family and others supporting me I think of as the people who are watching the match.  They are talking smack at my opponents and shouting encouraging words.  Some have experience or expertise and can guide me or suggest moves I can try to use to win each match.  But above all they are there for me because they believe I have the potential to win a heavyweight title.  Luckily (and somewhat hopefully) from experience I know many fans are willing to follow athletes or teams even when they are having a losing streak.  My fans seem to be doing the same and as I enter another match I am appreciative for all those cheering me from the stands.  

I will admit and allow my exhaustion and fatigue at the end of each match. And maybe one day I will be proud of my fights instead of watching replays and videos to see where I went wrong or what I can do better.  And here’s hoping that I will be able to retire from wrestling my depression and anxiety at some point, as a champion, of course!

As for tonight I will let the tears come and continue thinking about how depression sucks.  Maybe tomorrow morning I’ll be ready for another match.