An Anniversary I Never Could Have Imagined

One year ago today I emerged from my night in a mental hospital.  My depression had escalated to the point that I could no longer manage in my typical life.  I met several people that night and many more in the past twelve months who have made a huge impact on my life.  Some of whom I continue to be in touch with and many who only appeared for a fleeting moment and have still influenced me in many ways.  

Although it had been 6 months since I finally consented to seek treatment, and over a year since the symptoms of depression had started to strangle me, my admittance and discharge (still hate this word) last April were a huge turning point.  Until then I was able to hide from most of the world how much I was hurting.  The smile plastered on my face and my use of humor to distract both myself and others had worked until then.  In truth, the facade had already started to crumble.  Little by little I was losing the ability to pretend that everything was okay.  The overwhelming feelings of sadness, despair, shame, loneliness, hopeless, etc. would come out in the form of tears when I would least expect or want it.  The people who were there at that moment would be the ones who I would let in on my not so little secret.  

Living the past 366 days publicly recovering has been more challenging and rewarding than I could have ever imagined; however, I will say that “coming out” of an institution and subsequently “coming out” about my depression and anxiety has helped in my recovery.  The stigma is real and even though it at first seemed like the right thing to do was to keep my mental health a secret, starting this blog and talking openly has started to take away some of the shame and loneliness that comes with depression.  

Friends and family have been beyond supportive. People I have not been in touch with for years have reached out either to share their similar stories or to ask me for help for themselves or loved ones. My relationships with many family members have become more authentic. I am honest with people about my anxieties, which although explanations aren’t always necessary sometimes they help alleviate hard feelings. New friends I have made and professionals that I have made relationships with are not to be forgotten.

I don’t know where I would be today if I hadn’t spent that miserable night away from my family.  It was the jump start - or kick in the ass - that I needed to really begin my recovery.  

Today was a hard day.  When I realized that today marked one year, emotions came flying at me.  The negative ones began to bring me down and then I made the decision to use some of my skills learned to turn myself around.  So this afternoon I decided to look at April 15th with a different perspective, yet one that I never want to repeat.

Years from now maybe I will throw a party to celebrate this anniversary. Today I will just acknowledge it and be happy to be able to post a photo that would not have been possible on April 15, 2015.