13 Reasons Why has me sharing more than I thought I would

I have never watched the Netflix program (because I’ve been told it would not be great for my mental health), I haven’t read the book (it’s on my list), and somehow it has been on my mind and in my social media a lot the past few weeks. I could write for hours about all of my thoughts, some positive but most negative about tweens and teens, and heck even most adults, being exposed to 13 Reasons Why, but right now I will just focus on two.

When I first heard about the show coming onto Netflix I was thrilled. Reading that it was about a teenage girl who commits suicide, I naively thought that it would be about mental illness and be one more step towards ending the stigma and encouraging conversation among young people. Any chance to try and “normalize” or raise awareness about mental illness to a large audience I believed would be a good one. From what I have heard, the show brings a spotlight to suicide, but not mental health issues. And that got me to thinking, or to continue thinking, how middle schoolers and high schoolers really need a more solid connection to the ups and downs of mental health. School health curricula can only do so much. And that information is dry.  Where is the empathy, openness, understanding and how do we make the subject less taboo and awkward for the next generation?

Sharing my story I think has helped some of the adults that I know, and there are many young people who are open about their struggles with mental illness, and still the message is not widespread. While making strides to end the stigma, there is still so much to be done. There was a part of me that was hoping that 13 Reasons Why would be a great addition to the fight to help treat mental health the same as physical health. Unfortunately from what I’ve read that is not at all what has happened with the release of this show.

OK, now the harder, but necessary part of this post. I have not wanted to tackle this in the past because of the people who I love who read my blog and I don’t want to scare them. And now I will for the greater good (I hope).

Suicidal ideation, which is also known as suicidal thoughts, means someone is at risk for a suicide attempt because of their thoughts, which can be fleeting or constant and detailed. I have had these thoughts on and off during my more intense depressive episodes, and sometimes they come to me on bad days. They are a large part of the reason I sought professional help in the first place.

Why am I sharing this now? Because in 13 Reasons Why, the premise is that there were 13 events/interactions/people (I’m honestly not sure since I haven’t seen it) that can be blamed for the main character’s death by suicide. And that is not fair or right to do to any survivor of suicide. Yes, trauma, whether abuse, bullying, rape, etc. can play a big part in someone’s demise. But death by suicide is more than that. It is a part of an illness or disease where someone can’t see a recovery or way of healing. And feelings surrounding those events or interactions alone often times can be resolved or healed through therapy or other avenues.

Yes, I do think it’s important to show others that bullying and abuse and rape are detrimental and I think that it’s ok to make people scared to hurt others; yet to blame others for someone’s death by suicide has possible extreme detrimental consequences. Why?

I know many people who are survivors of suicide, meaning their loved ones, friends or family, have died by their own hand. And most of the survivors spend time questioning and wondering if they could have somehow prevented this tragic event. And yes, sometimes the answer may have been yes, if they had noticed subtle signs; however, most of the time the illness just became too much for someone and in a moment of extreme darkness they ended up taking their life.

If someone has a fight or disagreement or cancelled plans, or something else that would on a typical day be trivial, with a loved  one and then never resolved it before the loved one took his or her life, 13 Reasons Why could make them question their part in their loss. And that is not fair. At all. So here is my absolutely terrible metaphor. Every fight, argument or disagreement can be thought of as someone stomping on a person’s right foot to the point where they are limping and having to put most of their weight on their left foot. If they then stumble off of the curb and twist and break their left foot, the break is not really the fault of the person who originally stepped on their foot.  Depression, or other mental illness, is the curb that jumps out in front of one when it’s least expected, and sometimes if the sufferer is not looking down as he or she is walking, the fall off the curb is inevitable. And no survivor (friend, family, classmate, neighbor,etc.) should think otherwise (this is not true for bullies, abusers or rapists - they should be made to feel guilty and in my opinion prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law).

I know that I might scare my loved ones by saying this, and here goes: I wrote this post because I would never, ever, ever want them to think that their words or actions would make them blame themselves if something ever happened to me (and NO - I am not currently having suicidal ideations - need to say this for my mom and others who will read this and probably be freaked out). In full disclosure, I have never made an attempt on my life, but the thoughts have been strong enough that I had to share with my husband and a friend to take precautions to keep myself safe. It is a horrible feeling.

Mental illness is a disease, a health issue like cancer or a heart condition, which many times can be cured or recurrent or in remission for periods of time. As much as doctors and therapists and patients try to use modern medicine and psychology to keep people from dying, sadly sometimes the pain and illness are too much and the disease is terminal. That’s not to say I think anyone should give up trying every therapy, medicine or strategy even when they think it’s too late.

It was extremely hard to write this, but I think it’s an important message that I felt the need to share in light of the new Netflix series. So there it is.