Orlando in my mind

Not even trying to make sense in the aftermath of this tragic, horrific event. I just can't. My mind has been racing (more than usual) since I heard the news Sunday morning. I've been keeping these thoughts and emotions inside as I tried to put them in some sort of order...obviously that hasn't happened. I attended a therapy processing group this evening and we grappled with some of the numerous ways our own lives have been impacted by the Orlando shooting. It was a somber, tearful hour and it convinced me that if I wait to describe what I am experiencing until I can do it coherently it will never happen, so I give you the random thoughts plaguing me and keeping me from sleep tonight.

1. Devastated and sickened by the event and tragic loss of lives and the repercussions of which will be felt for years to come. Although I don't know anyone personally affected hearing and reading stories of their lives and some of the last moments reminds me that each one was a son, daughter, aunt, uncle, lover, friend, and many other things to so many people.

2. Anger that gun control has not progressed in the past 16 years since Columbine and making this issue political right now probably won't solve anything and just detracts from the humanity of the situation and the grief of those directly affected (I will happily eat my words if this finally gets our lawmakers to act).

3. Helplessness that anything I have to offer, including moral support, is pretty much limited to Facebook posts, memes and dissemination of information intended to assist others.

4. Guilt and selfishness that my mind and my problems are still on my radar as I feel like I should be able to be grateful for my own health and safety while others are going through unbearable circumstances.  Unfortunately mental illness does not go on vacation, it just complicates matters. I

5. Anxiety. Fear. For my kids. For myself. For my friends and family, especially those who may identify with a targeted group for any number of reasons, some with multiple layers of such identities. I have  worked so hard to overcome many anxieties and Orlando has brought many of them back into my reality as a possibility.  

6. Shame that my anxieties keep me from physically standing with others at a vigil, rally or other public display of support. Between the fear of large crowds and that of being in an advertised place where I might be a sitting duck for an act of crime, I am paralyzed and it’s not only that I can't even think about attending one such event, I spend time worrying about my friends/family that can.  

7. Gratitude and love for the people around me and the fact that I need to show it everyday because you never know what each day will bring. Thankfulness and appreciation for all the “helpers” - the professionals, regular people companies and organizations around the world who are helping and supporting those affected by the tragedy in so many different ways.

8. Pride, amazement and awe in how Israelis handle so many traumatic events and keep their heads together and don’t let awful, terrible, sick people keep them from living their lives and how they protect their citizens and country with strict gun control and other preventative measures.

9. Infuriated and resentful at the connection that is constantly made between horrific acts and mental illness and the stigma it helps to intensify and perpetuate. If you read the headlines there is no differentiation between the millions of people who suffer from many forms of mental illness and the few extremely disturbed individuals who commit these awful crimes.

10. Appreciative of the fact that I am able to get help for my depression and anxiety and to the professionals who have come into my life.

11. Rage at the mental health care system in our country that does not allow so many people that need help to be able to afford and receive it.  Even with insurance getting good care is often out of the question. Most of the care I have received has been out of pocket since most excellent doctors on my plan were not taking new patients.  I am lucky that I have family that knows how important this care is for me and my loved ones and I get that assistance.  It infuriates me that adequate and beneficial health care is seen as a luxury not as vital need.  

12. Disappointed and nauseated for my friends and anyone who is a part of the LGBTQ community (or people like me who are close to and love many of those who are) and now feel unsafe for themselves or their friends and loved ones to live their lives the way they did before last weekend. And for everyone who is now questioning each decision they make to go to work, social gatherings, restaurants, etc. for fear of another act of violence.

13. Overwhelmed by the intense thoughts, feelings and emotions that continue to keep coming.  This list could go on through the night.

14. Appreciative of my therapy group who spent over an hour tonight processing this recent violence and supported each other and make ourselves feel like we are not alone in all of our sadness and confusion.  

15. Brave and proud that I have chosen to share some of the craziness in my head  (for most of my life this would not have been an option - for so many reasons) and put it on paper and hopeful that it will help at least one person in some way.