Robbed by my depression and still bitter

Social media is a constant and visual reminder of what I am missing out on - mostly thanks to my mental illness I would like to believe.  I could take a break - as I have once before - and still know that life is going on without me. I am thankful that it has offered me immense support from friends near and far (and for that reason I probably will continue to stay); however, it is definitely calling attention to, and helping me realize the immensity of things that I have been robbed of by my depression and anxiety. Parties. Dinners. Opportunities. And more. And my mental illness is amazing at magnifying these losses and keeping me ruminating about them.

I know that there are so many people who are encouraging me to find the silver lining from the past two years and I am “happy” to acknowledge that I have made new friends, strengthened so many relationships as well as started to learn so much about myself; however, that doesn’t minimize the losses that keep me up at night. If (and when) using many of the skills I learned therapy, I intellectually know that going down this path is not a good or necessarily safe idea. That being said, my desire to be honest and open about the inner workings of my mind that is where I’ve been the past week or two.  Angry. Pissed off. At my mind. At depression. At anxiety - especially the social one.

Wanting to be active, be able to participate in everyday events with friends and family without incredible stress and apprehension while at the same time wanting to curl up on the couch binge watching tv and pinning things on Pinterest is a real struggle. Recently the couch has consistently won out. And there is a part of me that definitely feels like I am missing out on life. For almost 40 years believing that I should not let life pass me by has kept me leaving the house and showing up to so many different things. And I think that was a good thing. The past few years just surviving and starting to heal has taken precedence, for obvious and important reasons. So now I have a huge game of tug of war going on in my head. On a daily basis. I am like a toddler who is exhausted and really wants to curl up in bed but is fighting valiantly to stay up and play and doesn’t know where to put herself - except for with the toddler everyone around can see that she is on the verge of a total meltdown. So what is the answer?

Obviously I do not know. That is part of the “fun” of mental illness. As much as those around me are empathetic and tell me that they can’t understand what is going on in my mind, they usually have no idea that I feel the same exact way - minus the empathy. But starting today I am going to try to work on this - again.  Treating myself the way I would anyone else. Being hard on myself hasn’t gotten me anywhere recently. Whether I stay home or go out it will be ok. I am wherever I need to be. I hope. And the war in my head continues…  

Thanks to all who continue to cheer me on (in person, by phone and of course, Facebook). I need it.