“If you need anything call me…”

I have heard those words time and time again in the past few months and weeks.  It comes from a place of compassion and caring.  It seems to be what everyone offers and I know that most of them mean it. But there is one major problem.  

My social anxiety and fear of picking up the phone has not abated yet. I have never been comfortable making phone calls to strangers, doctors’ offices, or in other situations; until recently calling friends and family was a no-brainer.  Then when I started into my depression last summer for some reason I started to think I would be bothering people if I called them.  Or that they had more important people to talk to or things to do.  It also makes it easier to isolate when you are too incapacitated to reach out to others.  I know that I have the ability to pick up the phone and press the call button - from my cell phone I don’t even have to dial an area code and seven digit number.  There is a fast and easy way to speed dial my nearest and dearest and an electronic phone book that has everyone else.  I can even use voice commands (well I’d have to get Dan to help teach me how) if I felt like pressing the screen would take too much physical exertion.  

I now realize that with summer vacation starting today, this phobia could be a big hindrance to my recovery.  At school I see people and check in with them and have great conversations - about me and about them and about life in general.  Not working much this summer is going to cut down on a lot of that type of communication and although I love to read and stay quiet I know that with my recent past that is not a safe long term plan for me. I need connections; I need support and I need to take action.

Rationally I know I need to stop sending texts and just pick up the phone, but nowadays that is much harder than I thought it would be.  In middle school and high school when I could talk on the phone with my friends for hours and hours on end who would have ever guessed I would be at this point?  

My only choice is to challenge myself to reach out to people. Maybe I secretly hope (not anymore) that by publicly stating this it will give me the encouragement I need to start.  So if you are reading this and you do get a call from me - please answer and be gentle!  If you don’t get a call - know that it is not you - it’s me… and if you really feel like throwing me a rope - give me a call, please don’t tell me to call you if I need!