Never say “never”

The backstory to this post is that not so long ago I said the following statements (and probably many others like them):

• I will never go to a therapist.
• I will never go to a psychiatrist.
• I will never take medications to help with my (non-diagnosed or acknowledged) mental illness.
• I will never go to something as bizarre as laughing yoga.
• I will never be able to or need to take time off from work to go into a treatment program.
• I will never find another therapist I am comfortable with after my first one passed away unexpectedly.

By now you would think I would know to never say “never;” however, I am obviously either not that smart or just haven’t been able to stop myself from having this all-or-nothing thinking (thanks to all the therapy I’ve had, I am leaning towards the latter explanation). This is going to start with my story of a drum circle and eventually navigate to the scandal going on with our election today. Stay with me.

Back in November of 2015 (which in some ways feels like a lifetime ago) I began my program at Skyland Trail. From the first day I arrived and all the way until my graduation 3 months later I was stubborn in my intentions to never attend any alumni gatherings that were offered through their organization. I thought that it was something great that they offered for people who didn’t have a strong support system. I was adamant that I would not have time for it or need it. As you can guess from the title of this blog - I have made a huge U-turn and now am a semi-regular attendee at the Skyland Trail Alumni functions.

I truly had no idea how important alumni events would be to me. I enjoy reconnecting with both staff and fellow client alumni on the occasional Thursday night. I can be open and real. We check in with each other. We “get” each other. There is almost no topic (maybe other than politics - which I’ll get to in a bit) that is off limits. Our experiences are often aligned at least enough to be able to give each other support. And it is an hour or two of free mental health support (which as many of you know is next to impossible to find). For that reason - I spent 2 hours in the car on Thursday afternoon - driving my daughters from school to home to ballet and then driving to Skyland’s campus for the social event of the month (2 hours - 30 miles - you have to love Atlanta traffic).

I knew - from attending the previous alumni event - that this was going to be a s’mores/drum circle/bonfire night. And in my mind I envisioned sitting in the woods, the weather chilly, in sweatshirts and jeans, with a darkening sky listening to the beat of drums somewhere in the background. I arrived 20 minutes early and enjoyed catching up with Courtney, for those of you who may remember reading in old blog posts she was my counselor while I was at Skyland, and laughing with her about the fact that I was at an alumni event. She recalled clearly my strong conviction that I would not be here.

Really wish I had a photo somewhere of the bonfire I imagined  in my head
This is one from our friends' home years ago - not what I was going for!

And then I headed outside for the evening event. It was held on the brick patio in the courtyard. It was 80 degrees and light out. The bonfire was contained in small firepit in the center of a large circle of twenty-plus patio chairs. There was nothing intimate or cozy about the reality… at least not physically. I had several friends there with me and that made it comfortable at the beginning. Had I been there alone I am not so sure how long I would have stayed. Because I did, I laughed, ate a s’more, and enjoyed listening to most of the people there playing in a twenty minute drum circle jam (I was nice to everyone and did not participate since I am rhythmically and musically challenged). By the end of the evening I had met a few new people whose company I enjoyed and who will make it a little bit easier the next time I plan to attend an alumni event (which will actually be a three day retreat in a few weeks). Who knew?

My next never say “never” is technically not mine, but what I told Dan when Trump announced he was running for President of the United States. It made me sick to my stomach, yet I was hopeful that Dan was right and that his campaign would be a short blip. And we all know how this is going. Unfortunately I can no longer have blind faith in the citizens of our country. I have some faith and also realize the importance of speaking out. Because I am terrified that like many of my other “never statements” this one has the possibility (even if it may not have the probability) of coming to fruition. So even though my thought process was never to get into a political discussion, especially on the internet, I felt that I had to post this on my facebook page this morning after the newest scandal that exposed additional vile comments made by a candidate for presidency:

I have no idea how many people are ever influenced by my thoughts and ideas and I have the philosophy that it doesn’t matter if I only reach one person - which coincidentally was my attitude when I began this blog - but it has become essential to make sure that people vote Hillary. Not because I am a huge supporter. Because I believe that if people take a stand and vote for a write-in or third party there is a good chance that my daughters will have to learn that a man can be a disgusting human being who is demeaning, hurtful and has terrible ideals, and even with the public knowing all of this before an election, he can be put in charge of our country. I can’t even. My true hope is that I never have to explain this to them. Unfortunately I have learned to never say “never” and have to pass this message on.