Those were Panic Attacks?!?

For so many years I had no idea what they were. Actually it has only been in the last two weeks that I have made the connection of the physical sensations I’ve experienced and how they coincided with anxious times in my life. Everything I ever remember hearing or reading about anxiety attacks mention shortness of breath, heart palpitations, chest tightness/pain and hyperventilation. I have never had any of these symptoms so when I have had extremely anxious experiences I thought they were not actual panic attacks. I would try to explain them away.

Recently I was blown away when I realized that my trembling, sweating, nausea, hot/cold flashes, lightheadedness and dizziness were my version of a full on panic attack. Thinking back I can remember times in my life when these symptoms would come on inexplicably - most memorably when coat shopping at Macy’s when I was 23 and getting ready to travel north to visit Dan for the first time. I vividly recall sitting down with my back against the counter and thinking the room was spinning and I couldn’t decide if I was going to pass out or die of heat. The sensations were intense and my mom was with me and very concerned. In a matter of minutes it passed and I was able to return to my shopping, albeit a little more tired and disoriented. This has happened before taking tests, giving presentations, going to parties or conferences, on the first days of school (both as a student and teacher), on airplanes, in crowds, at extreme heights, (I should stop here as the list could go on and on)… and I never, ever associated them with my anxiety.  

Just as I have written about depression in the past and how my outward symptoms were not typical (although I am reading more and more about high-functioning and hidden depression which I resemble incredibly), I shouldn’t be all that surprised that yet again I am abnormal with my anxiety. My friends and family can attest that their is little to nothing that is normal or typical about me. My younger daughter proclaims on a regular basis “Normal is boring;” however, I think I might like to try it sometime. I do think that I will have to radically accept that’s not going to happen and move forward with a new awareness.

Now that I know, the next time I have a panic attack I hope that I can (remember and actually) do the following:

• Give myself permission to acknowledge rather than question what is happening in my body.
• Accept that something triggered my panic and not blame myself for bringing on the symptoms.
• Wait and stay in the situation (for a little) to take the time to consider different options.
• Breathe deeply, ask myself what are the odds of what I am fearing actually happening.. And remember that I am fearing a future possibility and should try to reengage in the present
• And when it ends I will be grateful that it has ended rather than critical of myself for having anxiety.

      

(Luckily I knew that my friend was kidding about this… it was given to me several days after this experience I blogged about here)