Depression Sucks

Obviously from the title you can probably tell this is not going to be a post about how great I have been doing.  I wish I could say that I haven’t written recently because I’ve been too busy celebrating my recovery, instead you get this:

You need to know that I actually abhor the word “sucks” and really have never used it until the past year.  But when trying to explain to my loved ones what I am going through a few phrases keep repeating, over and over.  And despite my love of words and the fact that I usually pride myself on finding or even making up interesting words (guesstimate and ginormous and fantabulous are some of my favorites), when it comes to the topic of depression (or any mental illness for that matter) all I can say is “IT SUCKS.”

Now to be completely honest I also repeat the following (I’ll give you the condensed list):

“This is hard.  I don’t think I can do it.”

“I feel like I am on a roller coaster.”

“I feel trapped.”

“I feel like I am on a hamster wheel.”

“I hate that I can’t control my mind.”

“I hate that I am still dealing with this.”

“I hate that I can’t just ‘think happy thoughts.’”

“I sound like a broken record.”

“I hate being so needy.”

“I feel like I am going crazy.”

“I’m so tired of all of this.”

I have now crossed the 1 year anniversary of starting therapy with Dr. K and I’m almost at the 1 year anniversary of starting meds under the care of Dr. S.  And I am nowhere near where I want to be in terms of my mental health. I do have good days, don’t get me wrong.  But I have to work for them and there are not nearly enough of them.

If you ask most of the people around me - they would tell you that I seem to be doing so much better… and from what I am portraying to 99% of the world - I am.  It is so much easier to pretend when I need to than to be honest about my feelings.  I have spent so many years repressing my depression and pushing things down that my act could possibly be oscar-worthy.  And the truth is that there are moments when I am doing great. But they are not consistent or predictable.

We had dinner at a friend’s home last Monday and I laughed harder than I have in a very, very long time.  It was an amazing evening that had me smiling for hours afterwards.  When I think about it, it is difficult to reconcile that me with the one that spent a good portion of yesterday unable to stop crying.  

And if I don’t understand my illness, how can I expect those around me to?  I am learning - coping skills - triggers - you name it - and I am practicing when I can… but tonight all I can really say is that “Depression Sucks.”  But I am stuck with it.  So tomorrow I will go to work, smile and teach.  Then I will leave midday to go back to Dr. S (with Dan coming as support) to see if we can alter/change meds to help me on this long, long journey.  My hope is to soon laugh more, smile more, and be doing it without thinking or pretending. I am longing for the day that I describe Depression as something I am conquering.  And at that point I will again ban the word “sucks” from my vocabulary.  Until then - my apologies for my language.